Many things on my mind now....
1)AFT
i must admit I am someone who is of really low ambitions.... i let general laziness dominate my life and i avoid conflict. I have a foul mouth and a bad temper but I only scream at the people whom I'm close to ccause i know they wouldn't mind. Having to take up AFT chairman... scares me.... i'm a pessimist.. a half glass empty person. But you can't be that as a leader. As a leader, you got to make the final call and then take responsibility for all the mistakes and damgage caused. you got to step up and motivate people and you got to wave away your doubt. You have to look at the big picture take intiative and not let the small things get you down. A great leader must also have great charisma and good leadership skills to back it up. Which I lack.. i lack natural charisma.. so i can only make it up in other ways... But I fear that it is not enough so i dun give it my all but I shouldn't make excuses and pave reasons for my failure. I should get my act together.... i cannot run anymore.... and i shldn't let fear rule my mind.
2)School...
idk what i can do anymore
3)everything else silly.....
i think i miss my fancy notions... without you I haven't had anything else to go into default mode.. and i guess i miss it.. on the other hand.. at least i'm not having nights in which my dearest friend is visitng me and i feel like dying anymore... extremities...



scared.....

i finally got to meet my jae yest... ok meet is not the right word. saw is more like it. I couldn't keep my eyes off him even though he was like ard 200 metres(?) away from me. Icouldn't really see his face but my eyes are drawn to him immediately. my jae my jae. I couldn't believe it. I was so sad and empty last night because I thought that the boys deserve so much better rather than just a small red ocean like us and how they used to have better, better host better response better everything. I felt so ashamed when we couldn't really sing Ay girl and the boys had to listen to the silence. i felt empty because while I saw my gods! My beloved five was not together. I heard Su's Voice! saw his sexy body wave and Jae's laughter. Omo it was a short one but so distinctive. I never thought I would hear his laughter live in person. When the vid played and Jae was talking abt how he thought he couldn't be a singer anymore I swear I nearly cried. tears were rising in my eyes. i swear if i saw him any nearer I would have burst into tears.
my boys my boys they must be so tired. Flying everywhere just for a 1h30mins showcase. Jae looked so tired and shy. Su looked fit. chun.. was... a tease. haha.
seunghoon was the mc (shocker of my life) and the mc sucked but no more hate on him cuz this post is all about my boys.

Shockingly it was today after I read all the fan accounts abt the showcase that I felt so surreal. that i really saw him yesterday. my jae my jae. damn my retarded feelings system that takes forever to kick it. damn it! My jae... stepped foot here. I really hoped that they will come back for a concvert and they are not discouraged or turned off by the management and the bad host and everything... my boys.. They are supposed to be the rising gods of the est. They deserve so so so much more. so much more that i can ever give them. i know that the chances of them getting back together is almost non-existent.... but i just hope they are happy. Maybe one day.. maybe one day they will stand on the stage as one again. and I would have saved enough money. to see the gods as 5 performing again. one day. I will.

The worst thing somebody can do with your heart when you give it away is to tear it into a million pieces, trod on it and never give you back your heart whole... but what they can never do is break your spirit.. not unless you let them anyways.

they always say you can never control how a person feels about you but you can control how they make you feel.

Insecurities, fear, loss, they stifle everything. What you are most afraid of will always come true as a result of your actions. The more you fear, the more you are unwilling to give the more things u do due to your insecurities, the more likely your heart will be broken. Sometimes, you grip too tightly for fear of losing something when you let go... then you realise you end up stifling and killing the one thing you didn't want to lose. So what can you do? quite frankly... nothing.. there's nothing you can do. sometimes you can be the most perfect and understanding person but... your not his or her perfect. or your perfectness ends up burdening the other party. Sometimes, you fit everything they are looking for.. but their eyes never land on you no matter how hard you try to get their attention. What can you do? nothing... That's how humans are... So enpowered yet so helpless, so blessed with the power of logic yet so illogical at the same time.

so what to do? 2 paths... so very clear cut but both equally hard to take. Confess and try everything within your means and pray... or hide it... and live with the pain and pray that maybe eventually after they wake up they will really see you.

of course how can i forget the last path... which is never give you heart away again. the sadest option because if you do so... you will never be able to even make a single real friendship in your life.

what would your choice be?