and to think all it takes to make me feel the light was an innocent smiley face from a friend who's trying to get me to talk abt it so i feel better and gg all the way to even want to try to persuade me to just give random words and he will do the linking himself. hahahha... all it took was this ":O it's so hard to guess!" because all i could say is cryptic words and idks HAHAHHAHAHHAHHA

suddenly it didn't hurt anymore and my empty pit disappeared. hahhahaha.....

yes sometimes I'm weird just like that.

though u will never see this but thank you sk. u saved me tonight. thank you

Today I realised.... when I feel emotionally vulnerable and laying myself out for pple... my palms turn ice cold and there is a pit in my stomach big enough like it's abt to swallow me whole. a dark endless cold pit. and that. i would be lost bewildered angry and i would want to cry but my pride and logic would tell myself that there is no point. so i continue being stuck in a never ending blackhole. and i try to fill it up by distracting myself by doing other things. or warming up my hands like that would help the black pit. and that i would sob uncontollably to happy love songs so much so that i have to curl into a ball with my back against the wall to stop everything then battle with logic and sadness and finally paving way to pretending that if i pretend to forget abt it everything will be normal again. just like all the effing times that i have done...just like all the other times when i will scream at myself for overreacting. for being overly emotional or overly angry being so angry that white spots comes into my vision. how do u know which one is the real u? the indfferent cold logical voice or the emotional wreck. you can't be both. that would be a contradiction. one of it must be fake so which one is it?
question that can never be anwered
feelings that can never be repaired
holes that can never be filled
is there any reason why i am crying yet i can still type all this out?
jadedness....
lock yourself away hermit crab. lock yourself in til u rly believe you can be safe with just you and your thoughts.....

:0)