I somehow feel like I'm detesting myself more now. no not because of the bitching. I'm ok with that because i dun see it as backstabbing because i made it clear that i do not like her. herefore i'm not a hypocrite therefore it is all in order with my principles. it's something else.
I dunno why he keeps coming into my life in the past few weeks like wanna meet up and stuff.. k maybe i do know cuz he said he missed me and her lots. fine. but i dun wanna meet him? i dunno why. then i keep finding reasons to push it away. no. it's stil ltrue that i dun have time to meet up anymore. but somehow everytime i reject him it feels like an excuse to me... i dunno is it because i look down on him? i definately hope not because that would make me a snob and forget where i come from. maybe because i was determined to let him outta my life? but if so then i shouldn't have called him to wish him. but it was the decent thing to do.then why? maybe because i just want us to be acquitances now. not even friends? because i felt that he has never known me? idunno. or could it be that my need for him has ceased to be. therefore I no longer want him in my life? Idunno. I'm confused. or maybeI just wanna move on and I have accepted the fact that 'm going to grow old by myself therefore i must be independent? maybe. cuz that would explain my detachment from everyone recently. even if you haven't noticed. maybe... It's just me and novelty. maybe i'm just not meant to have something for very long, i just need change, jsut a matter of time before i grow tired. maybe...maybe not.