Recieved something like the final list .. yep ican't promote... But I'm ok.. Maybe I'm stupid maybe I'm in denial or maybe I'm delusional? I Dunno ... .Thank you Anisha Nette Fiona KahMing and petT. I'm sorry that I brushed you guys off and i asked you guys to not touch me.I'm sorry. But I dunno I cannot bear to let myself fall apart then.. My pride i guess. i want to be ok so i just needded time on my own. I appreciated you guys but I had to convince myself that I am ok in order for me to move on and i just can't do that when pple are giving me hugs of sympathy and encouragement ad looks of pity or concern. I'm sorry but I just can't. i love you guys but when growing up I've grown to be harder and lock myself away so much so that I seem to be unconcerned about myself and appears to others as a strong person. But locking myself away means i have to lock that part from myself as well.. So I just keep swallowing and swallowing so deep that I can't can't find that part of me anymore. I killed myself in a desperate plea to stay sane and keep my pride. i have already broken down too many times this year. Too many. If anything my pride is the only thing i have now. In case you guys dunno this is the leo part of me talking now. if anything i have to stay strong and be strong so that I can defend the others that I care for. To catch them when they fall. To be right there even if i have no words of comfort I'm not good with words of comfort. i was brought up in a tradional chinese family, i was brought up in a predominantly male environment. I have always learnt that I have to be manly when treating my relationships That whatever happens I have to pick myself up and move on with or without anybody there for me. maybe that's why I'm never good with words of comfort. If you cry i won't ask you not to cry, i'll ask you to cry it all out and if need be, I'll cry with you and for you. but I'll tell you that after the tears we still have to move on because sadly enough the world doesn't stop because of our tears. Problems don't jsut go away by them selves. No matter how unwilling you are, you just have to take all the crap that life gives you and suck it all up and move on. I'm a believer in fate and I believe my fate lies in the big man above. I believe he has a plan for me and that he will lead me to it. So between now and then i can only pray for his patience love preserverence and kindness and trudge on ahead. Problems will not disappear if you run away. They just grow bigger and you have to face them one day cuz they'll come crashing down and dragging you down with them.
Yes i know I still have the rest of you guys t catch me as i fall... Thank god for all of you.. i love you guys lots...

running screaming sounds of pain
heaving breathless thoughts of escape
No way out no where to go
Turn around and hide behind your strong facade
and become the person you always hate

I'm sorry that I cannot always be there for you because I have to be there for myself cuz no one else is