Wishing upon a falling star

2011-04-05T01:25:00.002+08:00

ever since... i was 18 i think... I stopped.... I stopped having thoughts of commiting suicide.. i stopped having thoughts of actively seeking out deaths.. I stopped having vivid imagery of my own blood bath or blood dreams.... I was content to live a day as it is never actively seeking death... but.. somewhere along the line... I think I forgot how to live as well...

2011-02-06T22:45:00.002+08:00

I'm going to take some time today to talk about commitment phobes....

eff everyone that says it will be easy if you meet the right one. srsly. everytime i have to fight every single inch of my body not to push and run away screaming in another direction and i have to take a deep breath to calm down and tell myself that yes this is okay.. it's okay for me to have this.. to do this... and after maybe 5-15 mins then my body relaxes and accepts it... some days, i'm ok.. i speak about the future, i speak about us.. other days i'm not.. i evade and dodge and phrase things in a subtlely non-commital way that I know is not so subtle... I won't deny that I see us in the future... but at the same time I dun see anything more than what is now as there is something blocking the way... sighs

2011-01-18T10:20:00.002+08:00

listening to emo songs is making me tap into unnecessary emotions... and it's making me realise i dun want the 10 years to end... not now... 10 years...
so to keep 10 years, i must continue fighting with myself.... to not let overthinking kill me... or what we have...
so we are doing things a little differently... so our focus now is highly differently from others.. so we are different.. so what?
i will fight to make you my priority... for those who say that it shld come naturally well eff tt... if it doesn't come naturally, i will put in twice the effort to make sure it happpens. My life was packed before.. and even more so now.. and the thing is, of all them are priorities... my school, my family, AFT, uni friends jc friends and now something new... i refuse to give up either one of them and I know that You have never requested me to do that but I feel like I have been rescheduling you to fit others... and you shldn't just be an option to me. You have never asked anything of me.. it's always been what i want.. whether I wanna meet you, whether I wanna eat here, whether I want you to pick me up.... and all the things, all the small things u have asked me to do, I haven't been able to do so. It should be balanced. even if you dun mind, even if you laugh at me for being silly...
I really have night dumbness... I tell you everything. things that shld be said, even worse, I tell you things that shouldn't be said... I can't play games with you. i will only lose myself in it... always have been the case... can there be a limit for being too honest?

2011-01-17T23:39:00.002+08:00

one week, 24 days and 10years... such arbitrary numbers with so much meanings.... I guess my last year's new year resolution kinda came true?? so shocking.... so unexpected yet it had been a long time coming.. a mass of contradictions but yet so right at the same time...
and yes i shld stop thinking because... well logic can never solve this shit and pointing out logical fallacies is non-applicable here. I know for sure I won't be able to tear away.. not now... so I shld just stick with it. If it makes me happy, if it fills my void.. if it stops the late night screamings.... then it must be good right? surely it must be.

moilheiv yes for now i do

2011-01-02T22:22:00.001+08:00

tick tock tick tock tick tock. a bit outta my laegue, a bit heartless but i rather it be pure FOB than a real thing.... No emotions involved = no heartbreak= no pain

2011-01-01T22:36:00.002+08:00

He's the boy your mom warned you against. The bad boy type. The one who smokes and drinks and drives like a maniac. He fights and he curses and he loves with a passion. The stereotypical type. And I may be the one to actually break his heart..... but i will die if i do so...

Undeniable attraction
love, lust or affection?
a dance, a kiss, a friendly little frisk
a perfect recipe for disaster indeed

2010-11-01T23:52:00.002+08:00

if nice is part of your persona... so much so that it can be said you are defined by it... what can you do? keep being nice to stay "true" to urself? to stick to your definition? otherwise.... will you just be a big question mark?

what do you become if u are not who people think you are or even who you think you are.

being nice is like a cover? a way to avoid conflict. avoid conflict=highest motto in life? so that pple can like me? so i wun be isolated? so... will be nice = fake? or real me? fucking popularity contest?

you said in a way being nice defines you. and it makes you happy. so you continue to be nice.

i guess we are similar that way... cept my nice is marred by fear...
I pride myself on my real? and being diplomatic enough.... i'm not social butterfly material. i'm well aware of that. but if you take away everything.... what am I?....

identity crisis? do I have to be defined by someone else? or are humans never meant to be defined at all? lest it traps them in a circle and limits them?

happy to see other people happy? or happy because whn others are happy they dun hate you?

wow.... thank you sec 3 life. you really fucked me up real good.....

2010-10-19T22:32:00.002+08:00

Many things on my mind now....
1)AFT
i must admit I am someone who is of really low ambitions.... i let general laziness dominate my life and i avoid conflict. I have a foul mouth and a bad temper but I only scream at the people whom I'm close to ccause i know they wouldn't mind. Having to take up AFT chairman... scares me.... i'm a pessimist.. a half glass empty person. But you can't be that as a leader. As a leader, you got to make the final call and then take responsibility for all the mistakes and damgage caused. you got to step up and motivate people and you got to wave away your doubt. You have to look at the big picture take intiative and not let the small things get you down. A great leader must also have great charisma and good leadership skills to back it up. Which I lack.. i lack natural charisma.. so i can only make it up in other ways... But I fear that it is not enough so i dun give it my all but I shouldn't make excuses and pave reasons for my failure. I should get my act together.... i cannot run anymore.... and i shldn't let fear rule my mind.
2)School...
idk what i can do anymore
3)everything else silly.....
i think i miss my fancy notions... without you I haven't had anything else to go into default mode.. and i guess i miss it.. on the other hand.. at least i'm not having nights in which my dearest friend is visitng me and i feel like dying anymore... extremities...

scared.....

My Jae

2010-10-17T23:04:00.006+08:00

i finally got to meet my jae yest... ok meet is not the right word. saw is more like it. I couldn't keep my eyes off him even though he was like ard 200 metres(?) away from me. Icouldn't really see his face but my eyes are drawn to him immediately. my jae my jae. I couldn't believe it. I was so sad and empty last night because I thought that the boys deserve so much better rather than just a small red ocean like us and how they used to have better, better host better response better everything. I felt so ashamed when we couldn't really sing Ay girl and the boys had to listen to the silence. i felt empty because while I saw my gods! My beloved five was not together. I heard Su's Voice! saw his sexy body wave and Jae's laughter. Omo it was a short one but so distinctive. I never thought I would hear his laughter live in person. When the vid played and Jae was talking abt how he thought he couldn't be a singer anymore I swear I nearly cried. tears were rising in my eyes. i swear if i saw him any nearer I would have burst into tears.
my boys my boys they must be so tired. Flying everywhere just for a 1h30mins showcase. Jae looked so tired and shy. Su looked fit. chun.. was... a tease. haha.
seunghoon was the mc (shocker of my life) and the mc sucked but no more hate on him cuz this post is all about my boys.

Shockingly it was today after I read all the fan accounts abt the showcase that I felt so surreal. that i really saw him yesterday. my jae my jae. damn my retarded feelings system that takes forever to kick it. damn it! My jae... stepped foot here. I really hoped that they will come back for a concvert and they are not discouraged or turned off by the management and the bad host and everything... my boys.. They are supposed to be the rising gods of the est. They deserve so so so much more. so much more that i can ever give them. i know that the chances of them getting back together is almost non-existent.... but i just hope they are happy. Maybe one day.. maybe one day they will stand on the stage as one again. and I would have saved enough money. to see the gods as 5 performing again. one day. I will.

2010-10-11T18:46:00.003+08:00

The worst thing somebody can do with your heart when you give it away is to tear it into a million pieces, trod on it and never give you back your heart whole... but what they can never do is break your spirit.. not unless you let them anyways.

they always say you can never control how a person feels about you but you can control how they make you feel.

Insecurities, fear, loss, they stifle everything. What you are most afraid of will always come true as a result of your actions. The more you fear, the more you are unwilling to give the more things u do due to your insecurities, the more likely your heart will be broken. Sometimes, you grip too tightly for fear of losing something when you let go... then you realise you end up stifling and killing the one thing you didn't want to lose. So what can you do? quite frankly... nothing.. there's nothing you can do. sometimes you can be the most perfect and understanding person but... your not his or her perfect. or your perfectness ends up burdening the other party. Sometimes, you fit everything they are looking for.. but their eyes never land on you no matter how hard you try to get their attention. What can you do? nothing... That's how humans are... So enpowered yet so helpless, so blessed with the power of logic yet so illogical at the same time.

so what to do? 2 paths... so very clear cut but both equally hard to take. Confess and try everything within your means and pray... or hide it... and live with the pain and pray that maybe eventually after they wake up they will really see you.

of course how can i forget the last path... which is never give you heart away again. the sadest option because if you do so... you will never be able to even make a single real friendship in your life.

what would your choice be?

Love is...

2010-04-02T04:21:00.002+08:00

Haven't updated in a long while. guess no one reads here anymore but o wells, I'm a mood type of writer as many people are... so yea... I should be asleep right now or doing my readings but i have this extreme urge to write, I think it's part of my procrastination system at work. So I'm going to write about love.

I think most of the people I know have heard me say these words before " They are not in love with each other, They are in love with love" I'm not sure how many people get it or they are just playing along with me. It's the concept of love that fascinates many people. The fact that there is someone out there meant for you and that you guys are meant to live your whole lives together through thick and thin. Someone to hold you when you feel like you're the only person left in this world. Someone to soothe your fears and irrationality away. Someone to snuggle up to and make everything ok. that someone that magical someone is out there waiting for you too. Doesn't that sound just plain amazing? I got to say, I've never been in a two-sided relationship before so me talking about love in the romantic sense has got to be the most hypocritical bullshit ever. But hey, my blog.. I get to crap when I wanna I guess.

Love or much rather the concept of love.. i have accused people of doing that before. but I am equally guilty of that. I am in love with love. It's such a beautiful and tempting concept that is so surreal. Some people have said that Love is the only extraordinary thing that a ordinary person can ever experience. I have dreamt many many times of love being in the purest form. of it being just two person holding hands and leaning their heads on each other til the end of time. I have always felt that the sweetest type of love was not for two young crazy in love people to boldly declare thier love for the world to know but much rather, 2 old people who can still hold hands and walk together and who are still so love wuth each other that they can't imagine not waking up to that same face every morning. But that love has a time limit. everyone dies. at any point of time, we could all drop dead for no particular reason. but for older people there is that constant reminder and i think it's really hard to move on when your partner leaves you. It's not the same as breaking up or divorcing... it's something much much sadder but inevitable. In time, that day will eventually come and your heart will break. The day that you or the other person will lose their lifetime companion and all you have left is a life time worth of memories. everything you have known reminds you of her.such a painful existence. but i guess that's what death does to people... young and old.. nothing ever really heals it. Time doesn't make it better. Time only teaches you how to cope better. to be a little stronger so that you dun break down in front of everyone when you talk about it. But it hurts.. and it will always hurt. there will be one day when we realise that we are starting to forget how even their laughter sounds like or the timbre of their voice or the way that they used to look at you. and you start to fear.. you fear that eventually you are going to forget this person the one person that was once so important to you... what do you do then? these are inevitable things in life...
Socrates said before that if you fear death, that means you know something more about it than anybody else. you can't fear the unknown unless you know what there is to fear about the unknown. but nobody knows what death is really... and that's why philosophers wonder all day long about god, the universe and the reason of things. I don't think I fear death.. but I fear dying. I fear people around me dying and leaving me all alone. i fear... a lot of things....

well look at that... I was suppose to write about something beautiful and happy and how I think I should work on my trust issues and really try hard this time to be a person worth loving (my original intent) but i ended up typing about death... I should stop being so morbid. I should try to be a happier person. Or maybe I can blame the nighttime again for my madness.. or maybe we are all half insane anyways.

2010-03-07T22:53:00.002+08:00

New picture blog: Takaoryo
I have been tweeting more recently and also putting up stuff at tumblr so u guys can link me thr if u wanna see more of my frequent updates :)

Prabha 21st!

2010-02-21T12:31:00.000+08:00

Hello lovely Prabs! Today is ur 21st! Like finally! Haha thank you for being such a great friend! This is the first year of our brand new decade may you be blessed always and may laughter and joy always be with you. Words cannot express my gratitude and joy to have u has a friend :) may your day be as special as you are.

Click here to go for ur next awesome friend's gift.

http://www.ancientoriant.blogspot.com

Life

2010-02-04T17:12:00.002+08:00

School has begun and i think so far i have skipped almost one week of school if i add up all the days that i overslept. >.< i can't believe i skipped philo. BLASPHEMOUS! School's been good. Heartbeat has intensified but it's still nice for now. Aft has been busy but fun as usual. everyone is getting too addicted to l4d2.
A hero's dream is playing in the back ground as I type. A nice song on a lazy warm afternoon. My curtains are lightly rustling. my work is on the table undone and needs to be completed. BUT i feel happy. <3 i need a change from this depressing blogskin.

2010-01-16T01:28:00.002+08:00

and to think all it takes to make me feel the light was an innocent smiley face from a friend who's trying to get me to talk abt it so i feel better and gg all the way to even want to try to persuade me to just give random words and he will do the linking himself. hahahha... all it took was this ":O it's so hard to guess!" because all i could say is cryptic words and idks HAHAHHAHAHHAHHA

suddenly it didn't hurt anymore and my empty pit disappeared. hahhahaha.....

yes sometimes I'm weird just like that.

though u will never see this but thank you sk. u saved me tonight. thank you

2010-01-15T23:52:00.005+08:00

Today I realised.... when I feel emotionally vulnerable and laying myself out for pple... my palms turn ice cold and there is a pit in my stomach big enough like it's abt to swallow me whole. a dark endless cold pit. and that. i would be lost bewildered angry and i would want to cry but my pride and logic would tell myself that there is no point. so i continue being stuck in a never ending blackhole. and i try to fill it up by distracting myself by doing other things. or warming up my hands like that would help the black pit. and that i would sob uncontollably to happy love songs so much so that i have to curl into a ball with my back against the wall to stop everything then battle with logic and sadness and finally paving way to pretending that if i pretend to forget abt it everything will be normal again. just like all the effing times that i have done...just like all the other times when i will scream at myself for overreacting. for being overly emotional or overly angry being so angry that white spots comes into my vision. how do u know which one is the real u? the indfferent cold logical voice or the emotional wreck. you can't be both. that would be a contradiction. one of it must be fake so which one is it?
question that can never be anwered
feelings that can never be repaired
holes that can never be filled
is there any reason why i am crying yet i can still type all this out?
jadedness....
lock yourself away hermit crab. lock yourself in til u rly believe you can be safe with just you and your thoughts.....

Happy NEW YEAR

2010-01-05T00:29:00.001+08:00

:0)

2009-12-28T17:01:00.001+08:00

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

g'day

2009-11-28T00:23:00.002+08:00

today was a good day :)

met with the boys to watch ninja assasin (ZOMG RAIN IS ACTUALLY SUPERMAN REINCARNATE!!!) totally funny show.. like big time.. everything that rain says is either a pick up line or some tagline. hahhahahhahah... but i like the fight scene kinda cool. hahha
then played l4d2 :) AWESOME!!! though i accidentally set everyone including myself on fire and threw boomer juice at gary and get charged all the time.. but all was good and fun. lololololol.....
then met bets walked ard ion got 2 books :) borrowed one from bets so now 3 new books! joy :)
then met pet and tim ate at the nice pasta place at taka then went to orchard central's rooftop garden :) SO NICE!!! :) the view is awesome, the wind is nice and it's so pretty :) :)... now only 12 more levels left to explore. hahhahah....

today was an awesome day of catching up with old friends :)
off to china in a couple more days :)
but it's no longer snowing :(

my white christmas :( sighs

2009-11-16T18:13:00.002+08:00

With regards to npscreeners-aussie edition

This blog was never started with the intention to hurt anyone. It was meant to be for a good laugh and to be presented to naathan when he came back to show how we had been thinking of him still even when he was gone. Just so you know, we were plaaning to own up at the last entry when he came back. In fact Yoga did put up a post revealing that it was us. But theblog has been taken down already so i doubt that many of you guys did see it. That's why everything was a parody and was obviously fake. Come on guys. camels... do you really think that that will happen? It was supposed to be funny and to keep you guys guessing who was the one blogging in place of naathan. we honestly never thought that anybody would believe that it was naathan. given the ridiculous content that we put up and the 3 different styles of writing.

We seeked only to entertain. but since you guys are offended by it, we are truly sorry. all i can say in our defence was that it was not in our original intentions to offend.

but to up the playing field.. i would like you all to ask yourself one question: how well do you really know him if you are unable to tell by those phony posts?

and that's all...
if there are any more displeasures regarding this issue pls direct it to my secretary mr it-was- just-a-joke or if you like you can direct it to ms I-don't-give-a-damn-anymore.

and naathan... we thought you would get it..... that's all....

When you are young...

2009-10-26T11:28:00.003+08:00

Youth is an ever elusive period of time... a time of contradictions and revelations. every little thing can be amplified to seem to be like the end of the world for us. However this could all boil down to the fact that we have boundless energy and an overactive imagination and endless curiosity about everything almost. There are some things that if you don't do during this period of time, you will never do it again be it due to later circumstances or simply not having the energy nor the impulsiveness again.
I find joy in maxing out my energy everyday, so long as i can rest enough to regain it back the next day... but it seems that sometimes I may have expanded the limits of that seemingly endless energy.. sometimes I have lethargy that lasts for days.. there was a period of time in fact when I simply just couldn't wake up.... I just wanted to sleep on for days, weeks and months even... but now, My lethargy is kept tight. I'm slowly finding my energy again. While walking around and selling tickets and stuffing flyers in letterboxes yesterday, I contemplated why I was doing what I was doing. I mean I'm putting n so much energy and time in something that I'm not being paid for, not sure of its returns and a process that seems wholly unappreciative. In fact it is as if we are paying to volunteer what with the late payments and returns cuz of fundings.... I contemplated that... and along with the fact that my uni life seems to consist of only studying.. then I saw IT.
IT hit me. well, I can't have a cca or a uni life nor need one cuz I'm already doing something I love. This is exactly what I have devoted my energy and life to. My passion. And when i grow older, I will never have the time, energy nor the drive to do these kinda of seemingly pointless things. and this drive.. well it keeps me alive. It is like running.. til the point when you hear your own heart pounding in your ears and you feel as if your body is going to collapse any moment. That kinda adrenaline rush. The kinda of recklessness that makes youths youths. that makes us stupid because we don't think. At that moment, I Was happy that I still haven't lost all of my irresponsibility yet. It's like a comfort zone. It's shrinking and I'm willing to step out of it. but.. it still feels nice to know that it is there.... along with the lack of jadedness which is refreshing for a change.
Youth.. this is the time when we spend lotsa energy doing nothing and we are forgiven for it. when we can run from one end of town to the other screaming our joy and we will be forgiven. To go all out to try to see the lights, to experience first hand how everything feels like.
to experience first hand the many faces of love. the dizzy happiness. the quiet joy and contentment. The rollercoaster fireworks excitement. the pain of the first heartbreak. the darkness engulfing but yet the light at the end of the tunnel.
to discover and make friends who will last you forever. If they can stay thru all the drama of ur youth years... they can stay with you for a long long time to come.
To discover what you like... and throw yourself fully into it.
To inculcate a sense of self. to last you thru your years. with or without THE one.. the other half apple or circle.
Worry.. is something that we can do at every age.. so let it not get to use now.
We are young and the world is out there for us to see and for us to take.
For the o &a levels kids, go for it! You'll do well.
For the rest of us.. We have the rest of our lives in front of us. The time to take a step into the future is now. Let's not waste what will never come back later in our lives. Let's make full use of it now. Aim for the stars. Talk about your wildest dreams. Dream Lofty dreams.

heartbeat.

beer with og

2009-10-24T00:58:00.001+08:00

is always fun. <3 og mates. big time. but beer does funny stuff to you... it really does... heartbeat.

Blog first study later

2009-10-18T23:24:00.002+08:00

Serena had an awesome day today. It was kinda worth forsaking japanese vocab learning for I guess. But that just means that I have to learn it now. that's all. sighs. but o wells blog now study later. I haven't had such a nice day in a long time... with 2 of my closest groups of friends.

First up was Sushi with Binni, Nat and Emi. It was awesome. I missed long days of us just seating around eating and just talking. I really really do.. so much that it aches a bit. I wouldn't trade today for anything in the world. It's only been a week since i last saw nat and emi but it feels like I've missed out on a lot. and I haven't seen binni in ages. so today was great... awesome.. totally... we should do it again soon.

Then met up with bets to head over to saras' place for deepavali. They all looked rly gorgeous in their traditional costumes!!! and i love the way her house transforms every year. Her room is gorgeous. absolutely. and I love the food!!! and whoa met a lot of people whom i haven't seen in ages! and won money while gamling. BWAHAHA. I love pairs. such an awesome awesome game :) Thanks saras for opening up your place. Sorry ganesh and kanitha that i can't go to ur places. :( you guys know that i would love to.... sorry....

Today was the best... but there was bittersweet news though... Idk... how am i really going to react.... I know what i say.. but when you throw me inside the situation.. idk how i will really react... idk.. sure i missed... and i want to ... but... my position is difficult... how am I going to draw my line... how am I going to tell her.. if I am going to tell her at all... how..... bittersweet news...

2009-10-14T23:30:00.003+08:00

Serena wants to pack her bag and take a one way trip to the land of nothingness. damn it damn it damn it. why are there so many god damn readings.... and proposals... and meetings... and AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! THAT's IT! she's firmly planting her butt at home on tuesday to do ivle participation!!!!!!! ROAR!

2009-10-12T23:26:00.000+08:00

Nobody... can make me smile the way that you do with jsut a simple fb msg. even though it might just be socialising... i dun care. :)

random thought

2009-10-10T01:45:00.001+08:00

you know you're really in a liberal arts system when... they have a module that makes you watch porn as part a course requirement....

dreams and admin stuff

2009-10-07T22:51:00.002+08:00

been dreaming weird things recently... last night was the most awful one.. dreamt that.. well.. nicky died.... sorry bro... it was a bombshell and it was so believable... that up til now my heart clenches up in panic over it. >.<

admin stuff..... phone hates me ivle hates me.. and i nneed to watch webcasts... joy.. and the blasted construction at my place is killing me.

thoughts of the day ladida

2009-09-28T22:28:00.004+08:00

unneccesary...politics is being stirred... me dislikes !!! (fb shld srsly consider putting this option. that will be AWESOME)... but I'm amazed at the maturity of some people. They really give me hope. really. me is no comments on bad stuff.. LADIDADIDA. BE GONE NEGATIVITY!

to my bestest friend. like i said before.. you can do so so much better. on the upside... no more veggie only diet!!!! and we all know a man cannot be deprived of his meat. :)

To my other awesome best friend,
CONGRATS ON being no longer a METAL MOUTH!!!!! WOOTS WOOTS. Please don't die from overwork before we next meet up again. *worries*

To my other other awesome best friend,
SCREW THAT ASShole.... :) if you need me to spew venom at him furthermore I will gladly be of service.

To my also equally splendid best friend in far away land of the free,
your fav. season is coming soon. do bundle up tight and take care <3 you and can't wait for you tto be back. really :(

To my best friend whom i see almost everyday til i think we are both so sick of each other's faces...
STOP sleeping at ungodly timing!!! and.... and... I see you too often to think of anything special to say that i haven't said b4... >.<

To the last but not def. not least best friend who is musically inclined and am totally awesome at everything else at well.
i dunno how to put things into words very well.. but if you ever need a listening ear or just some company.. I'm never too far away. .but i shall respect you and not bug you if u're not ready to say anything. but i LUBS you MUCHuos!

so people remember! It's all about the Ooumph!!!!

and i think I have just busted the scales of insanity.

stuff

2009-09-26T02:20:00.002+08:00

Philo is halfway/1/3 way done.... I just need to sit down and type more of my shit down....
Need to concentrate thought.. internet is evil evil evil... :(

and to my brother... you probably won't read this but throw whatever you have at me. throw every crazy angst filled idea at me. I can take them. cuz... They ran through me once too. but then again I'm not you.. I won't pretend that we are going through the same shit. But I can offer a fresh perspective on what seems like an issue sealed dead shut...

gushes

2009-09-24T21:46:00.001+08:00

OMGOMGOMG!!! today someone i didn't know * or thought i didn't know added me on fb... he added all the AI people so i assumed he was from ai so i added him.. took me a while to recognize him.. but.. omg he's TITUS!!! like THE TITUS FROM FFX whom i totally eyecandied in school but never knew his name... COOL shit! i <3 fb to the max...

Beer

2009-09-23T23:38:00.003+08:00

so last night was my exciting escapade from my house and buying beer and getting caugt and getting involved in an hour plus lecture and losing my dad's trust completely...
wow... what a rebel.... in a way i regretted it.. but i'm not complaining cuz i pretty much asked for it. so i will jsut suck it up etc.. details of the lecture... I'm not interested to reveal.... not to anybody.. cept he brought up my cousins... suicides... murder.. drugs.. and a whole load of other stuff.. and o of course his self guilt which amplified mine.
so yes... that was last night.... it was good while it lasted though.. sitting down there with yoga and with natahan on the speakerphone.. laughing about shit.. and god knows what. enjoying a weird kinda view... then talking a bit to saras prabs ganesh and colin... it was good while it lasted....
It may not be worth it...

but i needed that beer last night...

New skin :)

2009-09-21T22:11:00.003+08:00

I like this one. something simple and plain yet nice. :) better than my old one where the picture doesn't appear 3/4 of the time.

Recess week has finally begun. wasted 1 day today.. but starting tml I will mug hard.. sadly.. but cuz i have 1 paper to hand in next week and 3 tests and also a paper due in oct.

This coming saturday is Movie marathon and BGM... so it's half my event.. haven't held an event in sometime now. ticket sales were dismal today... but nonetheless i'm psyched about the event

Here's the awesome poster that Henry designed:

o and... I'm apparently going to sing at the event with henry.. so if you wanna see me make a fool out of myself, you can pay 3 bucks :)

Hmm.. my life has been pretty normal after i ended my sleep study thingy.. been sleeping at god forsaken timings again. But the 100 bucks was good. it's saving my ass now as we speak. This month has been expensive... half the month has barely gone by and my bank account has been cleaned out.

Aft is having many many projects to come... so keep your eyes peeled and pray that all of us are able to time manage properly.. god knows how that will turn out.
ladida~ off to continue my critique....

til... i .. die

2009-09-10T21:46:00.002+08:00

*emo bug*
and i can't find anythign for js research. KNNCCB. and... and... and...

somebody to soothe her irrationality and fears away....

Can I have this dance?

2009-09-09T21:09:00.001+08:00

funny questions..... zzz... tendency to overthink.... :(

been skipping school... not a good thing to be addicted to. will go to school properly from now on.... but these 2 days have been good. I think I needed the time out. and spending time with saras and prabs is always good.

familiar friend

2009-09-06T00:57:00.003+08:00

hello ... you.... It's been a couple of months... I'm not quite sure what to do with you now... I know why you came though... your visits surprise me no longer... I wish I can embrace you like a familiar friend.. but I can't..
everything is too plausible... and too dark to contemplate... A sense of helplessness.. you stiffen the air around me... so much so that it becomes a choke hold.
It would be so easy to slip.. to slip back to you and let everything else drown itself out. but I won't.. I can't.. for i may lose.. and i can't afford to lose to you.. definitely not to you of all things.
You're darting along the outskirts of my mind now. eager to break me down. eager to find a way in. but I will run from you. and maybe oneday..
I may even overcome and kill you...

Hello my bittersweet friend... welcome to step out of my life.

blood donation today!

2009-09-02T22:30:00.002+08:00

goodbye 500 ml of blood. I will regenerate you in 2 days time :) I hate me small veins.. It's totally causing me bruising and slow blood flow. grr...

3 days in a row. Serena is happy happy happy. :) plus saw amira today :) :) and also had lunch with sengkiat and dinner with my laj classmates :) who are all really nice and funny. hehe.

JS project consultation tml. my groupmates are nice but they scare me. zzz. ts lecture tml. i hope i don't sleep again. And I need to stop forgetting my tut. timings.

I've noticed a change in me.. I don't know if anyone else noticed... but I'm losing my insecurities. It surfaces sometimes in the form of my inadequacies and in my fear of the future. but.. I'm happy and comfortable to be in my own skin. I don't know when this happened. I don't know how this happened. But I'm glad to be finally contented to be me. Sure there's a lot of me that needs to be worked on. But i'm not worrying. not too much anyways. I think I can handle being alone with myself now. :)

Guinea Pig!!!

2009-08-31T18:32:00.002+08:00

I'm taking part in this sleep study that will require me to sleep early for 2-3 weeks then not sleep for one whole day. lol. it's a study of sleep deprivation on the mind etc etc etc. So right now I'm wearing something called the actiwatch on my wrist and that will record activity of my movements henceforth to determine when i'm sleeping or not. so no more late nights for me.. no more camping out online. lol

on a sider note. tutorials have started. am starting to get the hang of school but I've got to not waste my free time so that I can regulate my studies and ease my last minute pile up workload. >.<

Had project discussion for japanese studies today. pretty ok group. see david and amira at bk today :) extreme happiness :) :)

I have theater practical tml which is even more joy. then stifling econs and confusing philo after that. meh.

I wanna watch the time traveller's wife. and also THE final destination. so many movies. so little time and money. I want to watch cinderella on ice too. sighs.

Eventful day

2009-08-20T23:33:00.002+08:00

Had Ts today then JS. :)
Prabs came to crash school today so today prabs, yoj, saras and I headed down to spinelli's to chillax and bum around and apply for a job spontaneously. LOL
We then headed down to Raffles City SC and went to that CD shop in which we were blown away by the violin cover of smooth criminal. It was so liberating. After which a random angmoh guy freaked me and prabs out. We went into this paper product shop which was insanely awesome and I found the perfect design for Peter Pan's night sky. We then proceeded to head to an arts gallery and was blown away by the amazing pieces that were showcased.
Shortly after we took a slow long walk to substation Timbre in which I'm supposed to meet kass pet ravin and alicia. (sorry guys... sorry for not bringing my phone out :( )
Had a very very filling dinner of sinful food and a bit of drinks. (I really think I outgrew drinking... ) and after which I left early to head home.

I <3 my friends for making today so awesome *yes you too ravin* It was a nice start and an awesome finish. thank you :)

Hermitty days are coming

2009-08-18T21:37:00.003+08:00

Finally got my tutorial slots. sighs.. total suck ass 5 day week. not to mention I'm in a diff ts tut group from saras. sadness.

Tuts will start next week and i will totally become a hermit pls.
I foresee me and the library being best friends

Have i mentioned how absolutely awesome it is now that i'm going to school with saras? total roxor but it will stop soon.. but i shall still bug her endlessly. and we've got ts pracs and lects tog. :)

ts practs are damn fun. the joy :)

cramps are not fun :(

having to read a book really slowly in order to process everything is not fun. and not something i'm used to. DARN U PHILO!

I miss having caramel macchiatos.. prabha~~~~ i miss u..... :( i want our hot choc~~~ and our chillax day lazing ard watching dvds

It's over

2009-08-16T00:50:00.002+08:00

finally splat is done with.
but i would like to say how proud i am of everyone who took part in splat. We really pulled it off. It just shows that if you put your mind to it and not let your nerves beat you, you can do it. ;) especially proud of AFT cuz i know you guys are stressed with exams and are annoyed and pissed but you guys did awesomely tonight. really really well done :)
on the 29th of aug, aft will be setting up a baking booth at president's charity :0 please do come down and support :) we'll be seeling cookies and other stuff9not confirmed) it will be baked by yours truly :) and also her lovable friend who's a chef PRABHA!! (her cooking is awesome btw...)

on a side note
and i miss watching movies... :(

Day 1

2009-08-13T00:39:00.002+08:00

Met up with saras to go to school today <3
jap lang is totally killer commitment. i shudder to think what i have gotten myself into. i think my work load is going to be crazy this term. plus textbooks are totally exp.
<3 my og mates truly deeply. seeing them around school makes me smile like an idiot.
I busted 30 over bucks on taxi fare. total madness seriously.
am anxious and worried about splat.

I should totally write properly, but I'm so frigging lazy.

Anyways, I gotta admit, I'm pretty stoked about school. Sure the admin matters gets to me but i absolutely love the fact that i now can study what i wanna study. It's pretty amazing and scary at the same time. I really really wanted to stay in residences. when Saras called today to ask, i almost very nearly said yes immediately. then I remembered o wait my brother is in China I can't stay in residences. My parents will be so lonely. As it is I hardly see them since i stepped into NUS, how can i completely just up and leave into hall? sighs.

And i miss hanging out with just saras, prabs and nats. just us 4. and yoj as well. haha. where we can swing from intellectual conversation to deeply emo to bitching and just plain silly and random in a matter of minutes.

As mentioned before, I can't wait for splat to be over. like totally.

School is finally starting...

2009-08-11T21:08:00.003+08:00

I honestly think that this month, I slept on the floor more than i slept on the bed. I've attended 3 camps one is 5 days 4 nights, one is 2 days 1 night and the last one was 8 days 3 nights. Plus my 3 day 2 night chalet which was the love btw. so yea figure that one out. lol.

The result is that I've become tanner and lost a bit of weight and my room is a lot messier and i have no idea what to do for my lessons still especially tutorial balloting. confusing stuff. o yes and i've got test papers to mark. lol

i<3 camps muchly.. met a lot of new people but still apprehensive despite intensive htht. There are certain people that I'm really interested in getting to know better but looking at my school schedule i highly doubt it is possible.

insecurites are setting in. sadly so. i miss kass, i miss pet, i miss ali... i miss my friends whom i haven't seen in ages...

I hate this production that i'm involved in and because of that i can't go for arts bash to support SPAZZY for king. sadness.

i wanna go on outings and photoshoots with me friends :( sighs.

i wanna go backpacking.
I wanna travel

i wanna be not afraid to go to school again because i'm so out of touch.

2009-07-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

I need a change of view.
:(
somebody get me out of here

New blogskin :)

2009-07-22T00:36:00.002+08:00

Changed my blogskin :):):)

have decided not to be so wordy any more cuz limited space in the writing column lol.
Or at least I shall attempt not to be so wordy anymore :) no promises. hehe
Finally finished spamming Defeated queen. I <3 that show muchly. and now i remember why idol dramas are deadly to people like me. sighs.

I still have to do my proposal and test paper. LOL

I Went/Had/Have.. [because this is all about me =D ]

2009-07-20T20:13:00.006+08:00

let me see...

I went to arts camp, had fun knew a few people... but thought that arts camp was a lil. overrated.

I went to precamp, HAD GREAT FUN (even though it was 2 days and damn slack), and got to know the few people better :). Not to mention that my arms nearly fell off thanks to tug of war.. but tug of war was... kinda.. insanely fun. lol. brutal, primitive.. but.. good way to work off excess energy and shows you how you are actually stronger than your mind makes you think you are.

I had.. high fever after precamp. but that fever broke after 1 dosage of medication, but am now still sick from coughing and exhaustion. like wtf right? i know. lol.

I had fun doing the MJ dance thingy though i still suck at it and don't know where to turn half the time, but it's fun.

I have been hopelessly addicted to a taiwanese drama. <3
(I miss watching good shows)

I have chalet this weekend..
and..
I have O week next week.

and...

I have a proposal to set by this fri

I have a test paper to set by this sat

I have to take a look at my modules and plan the modules I'm interested in by this week.

I have a few more lessons to go before i can register for my driving test.

I have no money to have a social life. :(

Songs

2009-07-07T21:44:00.002+08:00

There have been many songs that's been playing in my head for days... Songs from MJ King of pop. Legend of my life... His songs never left my mind... but I'm not going to post his lyrics today... too many people have been doing that alr. They can do a better tribute..
The other song in my ears constantly is Knock You Down by Keri Hilson. i Love this song... and the lyrics... are... apt :)

Heh, not again
Ohh, this ain't supposed to happen to me

Keep rockin', and keep knockin'
Whether you Louis Vuitton it up or Reebokin'
You see the hate, that they're servin' on a platter
So what we gon' have, dessert or disaster?

I never thought I'd be in love like this
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip
Then you came in, and knocked me on my face
Feels like in I'm a race
But I already won first place

I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did
(As hard as I did, yeah)
You got me thinkin' bout our life our house and kids, yeah
Every mornin' I look at you and smile
'Cause boy you came around and you knocked me down
Knocked me down

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

I never thought I'd, hear myself say, ooh, ya'll gon' head
I think I'm gonna kick it wit my girl today, kick it wit my girl today
I used to be commander and chief
Of my pimp ship flyin' high, flyin' high)
Til I met this pretty little missile that shot me out the sky
(Oh shot me out the sky)

Hey, now I'm crashing, don't know how it happened
But I know it feels so damn good
Said if I could back, and make it happen faster
Don't you know I would baby if I could
Miss Independent, ohh, to the fullest, the load never too much
She helpin' me pull it
She shot the bullet that ended that life
I swear to you the pimp in me just died tonight
Girl sometimes love

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Tell me now can you make it past your Caspers
So we can finally fly off into NASA
You was always the cheerleader of my dreams that
Seem to only date the head of football teams
And I was the class clown that, always kept you laughin'

We, were never meant to be baby we just happen
So please, don't mess up the trick, hey young world I'm the new slick rick
They say I move too quick, but we can't let the moment pass us
Let the hourglass pass right into ashes

Let the wind blow the ash right before my glasses
So I wrote this love letter right before my classes
How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average
For advice, OMG, you listen to that bitch?
Whoa, it's me, baby this is tragic
'Cause we had it, we was magic

I was flyin', now I'm crashin'
This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson
Now I'm mad, real mad, Joe Jackson
You should leave your boyfriend now, I'mma ask him

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past
Oh Cause, I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again
Whoa, whoa, I'll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call
Whoa, whoa, and if it hits better make it worth the fall
(When it comes around)

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Won't see it coming when it happens, hey
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down

Won't see it coming when it happens
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down
Yeah

I missed having a crush... and those few days reminded me how fun it could be again. :)

updates

2009-06-17T21:12:00.003+08:00

i haven't written for a while... that's not good... i guess.... so i'm here to try writing and to see if i can get the flow back in to my fingers again.

Hmm I finally ended work last sat. I can finally get my life back again. Stop the flow have some me time. But my money supply has been depleting on me... zzz... i need to stop taking the taxi like it's free and to learn my roads properly so that the taxi uncles stop taking me for joy rides.
Working at my previous workplace was... interesting to say the least. It was stressful at first, but i think ultimately the hours was what kills. But I have to thank my colleagues for making the dungeon hole an amazing place for me to actually look forward to or even miss that place when i was about to go.

I know my darling pet feels guilty for getting me that job because i think she of all people saw how it really got to me. and alicia too, who somehow once again bears the brunt of my unhappiness every time. (which is not fair to her at all... sorry girl i really am.)
but I think I can walk away from this job experience a better person. Someone who knows myself a lot better. And from every job I gain. I gain respect for people from all walks of life for the jobs that they do and thier aspirations.
I'm glad I had this experience. I'm thankful even fol for all the idiots who shouted at me... okok maybe i won't go that far. I still hate their asses. But these assholes actually taught me to be a better person, they were my negative examples. They showed me the ugly side of people so I can grow to become better. To be someone gracious not just to people who know me, but to people who I don't even know how they look like. To be a better person through and through.

Even though I gained.. I also lost... I lost some faith and some respect and most of all patience with the ones that i'm close to. that's not fun. and i shall change that and get myself back together again.

OK! EMO things aside now.

I have (with the help of yoj and sathim and shanty's friend) moved some props back to yj!!! and Also the green cloth is back in CJ!!! YAY finally.
AND I caught the taking of Pelham 123!!! interesting movie. really. but at the end of it, you can't help but wonder what's the point? and you sigh. But I found the way the director handled the movie was very well done. the script was cheeky and sharp. the scenes were intense and invokes emotion. Even though you can more or less piece together the story by yourself while watching before the plot unfolds, the pace of the movie was fast enough that you will not get bored. PLUS hello Denzel Washington and John Travolta!!! excellant acting by the two leads. but i thought certain stuff could have been done better but... i've been picky in my movies recently so ya. hhaha
but all in all it's a pretty decent show and you should catch it!

Next up, : UP! and da da da da~ TRANSFORMERS RETURN OF THE FALLEN!!!!

woo, and i think i'm good at picking out guy's clothes :D picked out 2 nice shirts for my bro and i got myslef a nice vest :D :D

I'm worried about uni... like really.... i don't know anyone going in at all... help?

AND I CAN"T WAIT FOR KASS TO COME BACK!!!

As inspired by Haptic...

2009-04-24T23:22:00.002+08:00

My Love For You Is...

My love for you is pink
A colour of sweet sweet joy
A kiss of lovely innocence
A dance of gleeful dreams

My love for you is red
A colour of burning passion
A touch of deathly desire
A fire of lustful possesion

My love for you is blue
A colour of crying sorrow
A symphony of pounding loneliness
A river of endless heartaches

My love for you is black
A colour of angry darkness
A whirlwind of hopeless depression
A pool of dripping emptiness

My love for you is...
All that I can see
All that I can hear
All that I can feel
All that consumes me....

It's over.....

2009-03-23T00:07:00.002+08:00

No more CinderElla Revamped...
No more sleepless nights...
No more worrying about not enough stage hands...
No more stress...
No more tears...
No more screaming...
No more... No more...
It has all ended.

Where do i even begin to describe this journey. I wasn't there from the start even though I should have been but due to stupid a's.... I couldn't. I went in with a sole purpose of helping Saras, helping a friend put together her dream. Went in doing nothing but giving certain tips on acting for weeks.
To finally asking her where and how I can help her. Which lead me to my long road of being Sets director and eventually Stage manager.
Days that I've took off to complete props, Nights of sleep everyone else lost helping me do props. All the backaches, heart aches and paint stains.
Slowly and unwittingly I had started to take on this job not just to help a friend, but also because I love this musical. I love this musical and the people that comes along with it. People from all walks of life so many talented young people coming together to put this show together. A show By YOUTHS FOR YOUTHS. All the drama, all the tears, all the stress didn't matter anymore as I saw people who are working harder than I am without complaining. I took strength from them, fed off their energy. And i grew along with everyone in this musical.
The friendships that I had formed in this musical regardless new or old is something I hope will never lose. In an odd way i began seeing the people in the musical as family. We see each other more than we see our family.
We share food like nobody's business and I swear I'm broke from feeding the people.
We behave in the most unglam manner around each other and not care.
Held each other up through pain, stress, tears and sickness.
Tried to be strong for one another.
You guys are part of the people that I will always hold close to my heart. What happened and bonded all of us together was something really special.

Being stage manager wasn't tiring physically, I had the most awesome backstage crew ever. So i didn't have to lift anything.
But being stage manager was bloody mentally tiring.

Not just the stress, but from watching everyone around you break and you having to put on a smiling face so that it's ok for others. Trying to keep yourself together. To stop yourself in the middle of a breakdown so you can do your job.
To go from one sick person to one sick person to one injured person to one injured person, begging them to take care of themselves but knowing that they will not listen.
Sick with worry. My heart utterly gave way when I saw 2 of my cast, sick , so terribly sick but insisting on going through the rehearsals and not resting because there was no time. And that I can't do anything except tell them "it's ok it's ok. You have to stay strong. it's going to be ok."
So helpless. So frustratingly powerless. So downright useless.

but you know what? everything was worth it. not all the shows came out the way we expected but we put up a hell of a good last show.

and... most importantly, To all CinderElla Revamped cast and crew, Thank you. Thank you for everything you have ever helped me in wittingly and unwittingly. I sincerely thank you.
Thank you for teaching me about life.

Serena

2009-03-14T02:44:00.001+08:00

took a change and plunged.
came out hurt and bruised
but knows that she'll get better in time...

i'm not sorry i asked... i'm only sorry i waited so long....

Serena is thinking...

2009-03-07T01:15:00.002+08:00

how ironic that she persuaded her parents successfully to allow her to stay out. but she's out alone. LOL. perhaps she should have called before leaving the house. this is one thing she will have to take note of the next time. plus, she feels awkward to put someone else out so she thinks she shall politely decline the offer to sleep over at someone's place.

lol in the end it all boils down to pride and stupidity.
how ironic...

serena thinks that...

2009-02-21T01:25:00.002+08:00

maybe God is trying to tell her that the undercoat was unnecessary for the chairs. that's why he keeps peeling them off in every means possible. but still she doesn't appreciate being told that way because all she was trying to do is do her job... properly.

aye... this is one of my lil. banter moments with the big man up there again. srsly i'm must be g crazy to actually note down my banter.

sorry

2009-02-09T21:53:00.001+08:00

for being snappy... esp to ali who always for some reason seem to have to bear the brunt of it. I'm sorry

I'm still loving...

2009-02-04T23:00:00.002+08:00

the song flightless bird, american mouth by Iron & wine... sigh.... It's my favourite emo rainy day song.
If you haven't heard it yet. SHAME ON YOU! Now go listen!

Much love,
Serena <3

Serena wanted to....

2009-01-31T23:07:00.002+08:00

dance dance!!! but aye. nvm. last night was fun for an hour. hahhaha photos are up we went a bit too wild i think. but for the first time i wanted to crazy dance, and the others couldn't lol...
but I came to realize something. and that is, you know you really love your friends when you can love them, puke and all things else. hahha

P.S: Yes Pet, I demand a lifetime of servitude and caramel macchiatos :D
P.P.S: I'm typing on my new hp mini! (Actually mine and my bro's but hey who's keeping tabs :D)

you know you're getting older when...

2009-01-29T00:24:00.002+08:00

your eyebags get a little bigger and darker
you smile a little lesser
the mistakes you make get a little bigger
the sleep you get becomes a little lesser
your worry about money gets a little bigger
the list of things you need gets a little bigger
the aches in your body seems a little more unbearable
your time becomes a lot lesser.

tt's when you are really getting older....

Happy CNY!!!

2009-01-27T23:01:00.003+08:00

ok so this is a lil late but hey I've been busy. plus I've got a lousy screwed laptop (don't ask) now i'm blogging on my bro's laptop and feeling darn super tired.

**side note : HAPPY belated 20th BIRTHDAY PADMAANAATHAN!!!!!**

Here's a quick recap of the past 2-3 days.

Did prayers for almost the whole of sunday
Had a SMASHING reunion dinner at my grandma's on sunday cuz we had shabu shabu beef + pork *drools*
Went home and prepared for (more) prayers for the lunar new year
Almost missed the countdown cuz my bro and I were checking out laptop specs
Went down to Si Ma Lu for prayers around 2 plus 3
Finished prayers and went to Jln Kayu for prata and breakfast/supper
Got home and slept at around 5 plus
Had a very interrupted sleep and finally woke up at 9.40
Commence house visiting
finished house visiting. went for a nap
cousins came, ate, gambled

I CUT MY FINGER ON THE FAN!

2nd day, commence house visiting

did the most disgusting thing ever :REMOVING PRAWN SHIT
played with my niece and nephew
am now dead shit tired and for some odd reason miserable. :(

guess i just need to sleep
happy new year guys :D

Bring it on 2009!

2009-01-01T21:11:00.002+08:00

started the year off by iceskating and bowling and random aimless wandering around which is actually, my favourite hobby to do.
walk aimlessly
look at things
lament about the lack of money
look at people
lament about too much people
eat and sip coffee
and lament about expensive coffee
HAHA! I kid I kid :D but today was good eventhough I'm seriously severely broke.. owe kass and Nic money hahhaa. but for now let's do a recap eh?

2008 wasn't a good year.. not at all. I can't recall a time in which I ever felt so wtf-ish and lost. My life came to a shrieking standstill after results. Lost, fustrated, pissed off and desperate ... these words can barely even begin to describe how I felt. retaking was awful. seriously awful. but we shall not go there eh? haha today is the first day of the new year so Serena shall not gripe and whine. not much anyways hahah.

Let's see what I have done in the past 1 year alright? :D

1)Lost weight :D and piled them back on and some more while studying ARG!

2)Had my first ever job :D

3)Took a reality check and chose my own path

4)Continued to stay close to people who truly mattered to me

5)Sent a friend off

6)Went for a friend's mom's wake....

7)Lost my temper at stupid things numerous times

8)Had random musings aye...

9)Had epiphanies

10)Had the lowest bowling score of my life

11)Went for Zoukout

12)Not get pissed drunk

13)Lost interest in binge drinking

14)Took a puff for curiosity sake and will never do it again

And tadah. end of story. Bloody insignificant isn't it? bloody standstill.

Now for aims of 2009...(which i will try to keep)
1)Refrain from my vices
2)Learn Japanese
3)Save enough money to take an overseas trip at the end of the year
4)Learn backward skating?(after I can skate forward properly and consistently first hahah)
5)Stop losing my temper at people close to me because I take them for granted (this is going to be tough)
6) Restart my LOCC BUT this time it's going to be all carbonated drinks. including carbonated sports drinks. ( gg to commence after CNY haha)
7)Manage my finances and don't let my bank acount go below 1000 ( provided I am consistently working)
8)Be daring and open to new things and experiences :D because I am only young once and I only have a year before I'm 21 haha

That's all I can think up for now. :D
What's your recap of 2008 and aims of 2009? :D
Happy New Year guys :D After such a shitty year last year, I got a feeling we can handle this year. =D

Christmas party...

2008-12-28T00:18:00.002+08:00

was an awesome success!!!! :D but the people who couldn't come were sorely missed. It would have been way more fun with you guys...
But anyways.. food was grt (minus turkey), alcohol was great, balloons were great and company was AWESOME!!! haha. I think we took a lot of photos and stupid videos hahah.
Serena is really happy :D plus.. she did 2 interesting things today. One naughty and one cheeky. One left her choking, one left her smirking. but both very interesting experiences :D hahha plus she realizes that someone is doomed!!!! hahahah...yes I'm still high... Don't question the 3rd person speech. hahha
Merry belated christmas people :D and I can't wait to see you guys again. <3

P.S : Serena has the most AWESOME friends ever. :D:D:D

twilight-ed

2008-12-23T00:01:00.002+08:00

Just came back form watching twilight. It was better than expected.
Things I liked:
1)The length of the movie was just nice.
2)Bella and Edward's awkward but sometimes intense dialogue. The other characters had witty lines (tt were not part of the book) peppered in between which I liked.
3)Awesome soundtrack.
4)Dark undertone of the movie.
5)Carlise, Esme, Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Charlie were exactly like what I expected :D (no comments on Edward and Bella cuz I already knew how they looked like before I watched)
6)The Prom scene was shot quite well. (not to mention the song played was my favourite outta the OST even before I watched the movie.)
7) The baseball scene was actually not too bad. I had an adrenaline rush watching that.

Things I didn't like:
1) Edward's constipated look thruout the movie
2) Edward's and Bella's love was too simplified.. not much depth shown.
3) The Fight scene should have been more intense... :(
4) The pace of the movie at the starting was a bit too slow, but it picked up pace at the end so it nullifies this clause actually. (just that the plot development could have been done a lot better at the end)
5) The Cullen's house... too modernistic.. I like Edward's room though. :D

Alright. tt's all I can remember. Overall I quite enjoy the movie, but it leaves me oddly unsatisfied and I can't quite put my finger on it. However, it's something I won't mind watching again just to appreciate the little things and touches that the director incorporated. :D

ZonkedZoukOut

2008-12-14T14:40:00.002+08:00

was the SAFEST party that I have ever been to... srsly.. Sure there were people making out and all but they are a small MINORITY. And the drinks are quite watered down so you're pretty much as sober as it comes. And cuz the beach is so huge, there was a lot of space for you to actually dance and not worry abt being attacked from the back w/o ur knowledge. so yayness to that...
We went in early last night... totally boring at first but then things heated up during mambo <3 TG should have been there you guys would have enjoyed it. I enjoyed mambo the best last night hahhaha.... The other music were alright.. but they had some weird mixes >.< (like mario... and some weird tamil(?)song(no offence)) Zouk has very good music for techtonic, And I realise techtonic isn't that hard you just have to move to the beat. but it involves a lot of movements of the hands and all so I sincerely apologize if I hit anybody last night sorry >.< haha
We started crazy dancing around 11 plus took a break around 1 plus and saw loads fireworks :D:D:D so pretty :D:D:D super nice. Then we left around 3 to take a cab home.. and for the first time, we were ready to go home by curfew time. We were quite dead tired honestly. I think that we are getting old plus we crazy danced too much hahha... PLUS, dancing on sand is the ultimate killer for the ankles cuz of the uneven ground and all. So by the end of the night a couple of us were limping yesyes, it includes me haha.
We took a lot of pictures and a few videos... some of me being harassed by aud.. hahhaha... some of us harassing pet etc haha but all in all it was good clean(kinda) fun and It was a good event, the best clubbing event I've been to :D Well, minus the smokers of course :(
plus now, I'm a Nouvelle Vague convert. I love the voice of the singer in the black dress. <3

It feels good to be one of the guys again

2008-12-07T00:58:00.002+08:00

Went out with The Group at night.. wanted to go to o bar but age limit zzz anal guy I still blame ding's slippers... but we headed down to BEDS much to the delight of ... nvm... hahha think tt's gg to our usual bar for now.. hahha
I miss being one of the guys... It feels good to be back... It always does. Being with them is just so easy... It just take the whole load off.. no need to worry abt anything.. anything retarded and lame ass thing will become fun with them cuz they are just so spontaneous and heck care hahha...
Today was very very much needed... Let's do this soon :D when the dork gets bald
:D

Signing off,
The Girl

200th post

2008-12-03T21:29:00.002+08:00

hahah finally after almost 3 years. LULZ. hahahha
Serena's a housemaid now... aye...Come let me tell you what i did all day.
I woke up at 8.30, made breakfast ( eggs, garlic bread, bro microwaved siew mai)
after breakfast, I rested for a bit, swept the floor, helped my mom shower, played with the neighbour's kid for a bit... then i was on my feet again preparing for stuff for lunch(Fried Rice) and mom was teaching me to make soup and marinate chicken, so i was preparing that too. My fried rice for once in my lifetime had taste in it finally! hahhaha. After Lunch, I rested for a bit, watched showbiz extra... and lazed around somemore then I was up cooking (AGAIN!) Then my mom's friends came over and helped me cooked BWAHAHAH...then after cooking comes the washing up and showering and the cutting of fruits etc etc
aye yes, how awfully boring hahhah... both at least i know how to cook soup now. haha. sigh... bored and tired... >.<

tiredness

2008-12-02T21:38:00.002+08:00

mom got discharged on monday... all's ok with her but can only move around in a wheelchair. Arguments have been happening and passing cuz of my short temper and her nagging. aye... just very tired la.. maybe cuz I've been sleeping at 3am for the past 2 days due to 2 good movies in a row hahahha. I've been doing chores and whatever not... helping her shower as well which was an interesting experience hahahahha.
She will be removing the stitches on her hand on the 6th and the stitches on her leg on the 13th. Then going for physio and check up in 2 more weeks. Hopefully, everything will be fine and she can hobble around after the check up. then with luck she can walk in a month though it may take her at least 3 months before she can walk normally again.
Am just really tired... nvm, I have drinking with TG to look forward to this sat. :D

musings

2008-11-29T01:30:00.002+08:00

just read ali's post... coincidently... I'm experiencing something almost like that... I'm forgetting your face as well... There's a struggle inside me to dig up our old photos and see you.. just to remember you the way i used to. The way your eyes used to crinkle at the sides when you smile and tease me, the way your mouth curves... right down to the shape of your face which i used to be able to trace in my mind. However, I'm not sure I want to remember... I am finally forgetting as well... From needing you so much, to wanting you, and finally to realize I can breathe and still live with or without you. It was a long process... and I missed out a lot while getting out of it...
and I don't wanna miss out on anything more...

Naathan asked me sometime ago, whether I'm over you or not. And I said yes, I am. which is nothing short of the truth. But regardless of that, sometimes I still wished we both tried a little more... be a little less passive. Then maybe I would have had you even if it was just for a while but that would be enough...
Silly me.

Natalie and I were talking about special feelings a month ago when we were supposed to be studying haha (one of our unproductive days) and I recalled our skinship(?) would you call it that? haha. And it felt good.. but it made my heart ache.And it made me wanna have you again. But I know.. possesion isn't love. I don't love you.. not anymore.. I just want you. But then you and I are both different now... very different... And I want the you of the past. And I can't have that... All I can have is our memories... of us frozen in the past...
maybe I'm forgetting your face... but I would never want to forget our memories

Maybe I've been lonely for too long.. aye... naathan's right I need to go get a date... aye... The lonely month of november and december ain't helping my vibes as well. O wells... What to do what to do... haha... I think I need to go sleep now... My eyes are drooping and I've got a long day tml.

p.s: hope this makes up for the lacklustre entries the past few days.. this entry sums up sorta half of what i was feeling in mid oct to now.

2008-11-29T01:03:00.002+08:00

dreamt of the vortex last night... everyday i check... and everyday i get sucked into the endless vortex of withdrawal and emptiness... you're being missed my friend. not just by me but by all of us... and this is nothing more than the truth.

hospital day 1

2008-11-29T00:37:00.002+08:00

finally got home at 11.49pm ... spent almost 12 hours out today at the hospital inclusive of to and fro car ride. For those who don't know yet, my mom went in for a minor op today on her right hand and feet.
The actual op probably lasted an hour max but the waiting for the anathesia(?)(I'm too lazy to check the actual spelling) to wear off was just endless waiting for around 3-4 hours...Granted that because we were in a public hospital and that we could only wait in the waiting room not knowing wth is gg on in the ops room, it was pretty worrying...
When they finally wheeled her back to her bed, the aftereffects were still making her nauseous and weak. So that was pretty worrying too, seeing her like that. The last time my mom went in for an operation, I was too young to remember being really worried. aye... Seeing her in pain was so not...cool... for lack of a better word. But o wells, at least she seemed to regain a bit of energy befre we left so she should be alright i guess. Probably just have to sleep the effects off ba. I'm going to the hospital tml in the morning to see her again and will probably do so for the next 5 days or hopefully less. >.<
Anyways, thanks for all the concern today guys. Muchly appreciated. Love!

the lazy monster has descended

2008-11-27T21:43:00.001+08:00

O THE HORROR!

tension resolved(?) hahha i hope :D

2008-11-24T14:43:00.002+08:00

serena is happy again :D but awfully tired hahha.
love u guys.

freedom

2008-11-20T22:04:00.002+08:00

today was great! I love all my darlings~~~ went to watch madagascar2, eat, saunter around and laze at starbucks :D PLUS I GET TO CLUB ON SAT! YAYNESS :D

2008-10-16T13:55:00.003+08:00

really don't feel like gg for tuition. shoot me. arg. it's raining somemore....... arg

o isaw this bible qoute some time ago.. and for some reason i really like it so I'm gg to post it here to share and also so I won't forget it.

Romans 8:38-39 (New International Version)

38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I know random... but i think it's nice..... and meaningful to me just like John 3:16 which was the first ever bible verse I memorized and still can remember....

sigh k random entry ended need to go pack my bag and go off for tuition now. rah

Of quotes, poets and romantists

2008-10-04T23:25:00.003+08:00

I think deep inside of me lies an old soul, hopefully it's an old english soul not some naggy ah pek. hehe
Some days, there's nothing more that I will like to do than to curl up in my favourite chair, drink some tea and be locked away in my book. Hours of bliss and self created ambience where you not only just recieve but you add bits and pieces of your own thought and imagination into it. Sometimes quotes or certain passages jsut capture me because i can visualize it so vividly.

for example this qoute:
Youth is the time to go flashing from one end of the world to the other… to try the manners of different nations; to hear the chimes at midnight; to see the sunrise in town and country; to be converted at a revival; to circumnavigate the metaphysics, write halting verses, run a mile to see a fire, and wait all day long in the theatre to applaud Hernani.
Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1895) Scottish essayist, poet and novelist.

The words are simple, but the emotions you can feel just from reading it just sweeps me away and I let my old romantist imagination takes over. This type of writing is something which I yearn to do but I don't think I've been able to do so. My passion fleeting, my experience limited and my determination lacking. Probably 3 attributes for which i have never been able to complete my proper writings before.

I think I fall in love with concepts very easily. I know I'm in love with the concept of being in love, with the concept of serenity. Both of which are concepts to me, because for one I can never shut up not long enough for me to think properly anyways. I feel stifled in silence and i have to break it. The concept of serenity? I think i may get bored really quickly if i ever get it. Concepts v.s. Realities...
Hmm do I may sense? I think I do.. but maybe some day when I read back... I may realise that I'm not making sense.. but who knows.. who cares... haha. But before it comes to that point of time, I think I shall retreat while my happy zen mode is still ongoing.
Until next time then :D

The Gods have arrived...

2008-09-28T19:43:00.004+08:00

and there's nothing I can do about it :( RAH!
I think most should know what I'm talking about.. If you don't don't ask becasue I'll go into a long angsty rant about my self-imposed kpop/dbsk updates ban. arg...
But I'll preservere because if not I'll end up spending lotsa time online doing nothing constructive >.<
I CAN"T BELIEVE THE A"S ARE COMING!!! SHOOT ME QUICK! sigh the only reason why i always divert the question when pple ask me abt my preparation is cuz I don't wanna admit that I'm so not prepared for it at all.. ARG...... SHOOT ME NOW! but there's nothing I can do except grit my teeth and go through this, so that I will NEVER EVER HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN! rah.. angsangstangstangstangstangsttangst
angstangstfearangstangstangstangst
angstangstangstangstangstfearangst

colourgenics test

2008-09-23T21:27:00.001+08:00

saw this on pet's blog so i decided to do this test again cuz it's been some time since i last did it.
You are in a state of constant expectation and want interesting and exciting things to happen to you. But in fact, you are a 'Walter Mitty' at times - a dreamer - over-imaginative and often given to fantasy or day-dreaming. There is nothing wrong in 'dreaming' - how boring life would be if one just followed the doctrines of everyday life - but one must not continue leading a life of continuous fantasy. You need to face reality in spite of all its possible shortcomings.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.

Unacceptable restrictions have been forced upon you and this is resulting in severe frustration and stress. You are looking for independence and consequently you shy away from any restriction and avoid obligations of anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressure and want to escape from it so that you can obtain what you need, but unfortunately at this particular moment in time you lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Trying to cope with conditions which you think are beyond your capabilities has led to considerable anxiety and stress. You now feel that you are not capable of coping with this situation and indeed any situation which could arise from what you consider to be your personal inadequacy.

neva cease to amaze me how true it is....

Kass' surprise send off...

2008-08-31T15:56:00.002+08:00

was a SUCCESS(cept tim managed to piss doug off >.<)! Nevertheless, YAYness *using ali's word* to impromptu-ness =D It was decided at around 5pm that we should give kass a send off despite her telling us not to. so with rushed plans and a couple of correction of wrong information, Pet,Dug, Tim, Binni, Aud and me met at the T3 at around 9.30 to start camping around and start the wait for kass' appearance.
We stood around for some time then the others got hungry. So they walked around to hunt for snacks while I stayed behind to keep a lookout.
Then suddenly Pet called me and said kass sent a goodbye msg to aud and tt means she must be here. So the rest came back and we started looking around for her. But we waited and waited and saw no one so we decided to call her mom. Her mom then told us they are on thier way.
So the camping started on the way. We were sitting around when her mom msged me and said they are on their way to row 3 so we hid behind the pillar. Then we keep peeping out to see where she was and kept ducking in case she saw us. haha. We were quite excited tim especially haha. we debated for a really long time to how we should present ourselves. So We decided that when kass and her sis are giving thier documents to the counter to check in baggage for departure, we shall walk rly quick to where her mom was standing so she will see us after she's done with her documents.
BUt, her mom moved to the counter to help them with some stuff so we decided it's now or never. So we walked over there and stood some distance away behind her. Just when she was talking to her mom and about to turn back, She saw us (we were waving like smug happy idiots :D)and she went O SHIT! quite loudly in fact and we burst out laughing.
Then after giving the hugs, and saying goodbyes and all, we walked with her to the departure hall and then waved our goodbyes to her haha. It was fun but a bit sad. Kass teared, pet (the noob)(kidding :D) cannot take it and teared too haha. BUt it's not too bad.. cuz she's coming back in a few months and this time when she comes back, I'll be free :D or a lot more free for outings than now.
So after sending kass off, we went to eating at popeyes and went home. tadah~
STUDY HARD KASS! :D We can see each other again real soon :D

Nice 19th

2008-08-04T21:11:00.002+08:00

today I had a very nice day with my 2 bestest friends. doing simple... not particulary exciting but nice stuff. it's a quiet but nice celebration this year. haha. I think I'm really getting old.. hahha terrible... thanks babe once again for the gift :D I really really liked it.
Then for dinner, my family and I went to eat thai food hahah. and I got my mango salad~ Yayness~
and i persuaded my dad to buy vodka~ hahahahah so much staying clean >.0 lol
Thank you all who wished me a happy 19th :D it really put a smile on my face :D

hitting the arcade

2008-08-02T15:34:00.003+08:00

yes this is an overdued post...
~~so sue me~~ :D
hahahah.. I had so much fun on tuesday... I went for lunch with pet ali and kass. The last time the 4 of us went out was when we went to watch transformers. which was ages ago pls.hahha
Anyways, so we met on tues to have lunch at pizza hut. We basically jsut sat down talked about a lot of stuff and laughed and laughed so much.We laughed so much that we felt full and couldn't finish the food. hahah.
After lunch we went to walk around and went to comics connection. Inside comics connection I spotted this odd looking bunny massage stick. So i hit Alicia with it. to my horror/amazment/shock, the bunny lit up and went I love you~ fascinated with my discovery i went to show pet and kass. bad move... see, having not been around kass for so long, I forgot her violent tendencies with stuff like that... and I'm her beating bag... it's karma for how i treat nats i think hahah. So kass grabbed it and started beating me with it... hahahha then we teamed up to hit pet. lulz. but it was so cute :D
Then we walked around and somehow ended in an arcade. hahha and we saw this 2 people playing a throwing game which is so insanely cute and absolutely lame in a sense... so being the cool people we are, we turned and looked at each other and said....

"LET'S PLAY THAT!!!!!"

hahhahaha i'm not quite sure how much money we busted there probably 6 bucks.. hahaha but o so fun~ what a stress reliever. hahah. We just couldn't stop laughing haha.. I think all of yfb wil love the game. I know Aud will jsut go crazy. hahah next time we shall go play that game :D hahahha
Then after that, me and pet went to play some shooting game in which we finally got killed by cockroaches. absolutely disgusting i tell you.

And before we knew it, time had passed so fast and we had to go home already....

but o what fun it was :D
p.s. recently, I've been hooked onto Dbsk's box in a ship and Uhm jung hwa's D.I.S.C.O
D I S C O let's go disco~
<3

new song~

2008-07-25T16:34:00.002+08:00

I'm not a miley cyrus fan... but I lvoe this song.. hahah.. and I was so bored with my old one so tadah new song.
ok quick update for the week.
lunch/quick catch up at aud's on monday was nice :D
then the rest of week.. went back into the boring things i do everyday.... I tried to wake up earlier.. but today i woke up at 11.40.. terrible... epic phail.
bored bored.. and august is approaching.. which means a month closer to the a's madness.......
rahrah
i dunno what to say for now so kthnxbye~ :D
o ps: pet i fixed your link on my blog finally..
and mtv is playing noona you're so pretty WAHAHAHAHHA.. kass i blame you and the parodies.. tsktsk.. :D

Well guys... you know i can't club no more... BUT!!!!

2008-07-09T22:58:00.003+08:00

There's this up and coming event, FASHION FOR A CAUSE up at ZOUK!!! (by my yec btw but how cool is that a cc event in a club!!!) (yes this means no under 18-s :D not your lame ass no alc. party!!)(o this also means bring your i/c :D)
It's On the 19th of July! from 7.30 til late~~~
It's not just any party, It's a fashion showcase of the works from the students of La Salle School of the Arts but also to raise funds for the Thalassemia Society.
Tickets are selling at $15 and you can order them at this number:675556369
or buy at the door
or can ask me to help you guys order!! :D *no I'm not earning profits from this. doh it's called volunteer work for a reason*
There'll be your standard drink plus one-for-one bottle offer!!!
That's right! One-for-One BOTTLE!!! woots. :D
o if that's not enough to add as a push, fashion showcase = models+good clothes= HOTNESS PLEASE!
So please please come. I promise you won't regret it. And do pass the word around yea? Lotsa love! and see ya there!!!
yes i'm awfully excited for someone who can't go.... BUT if you guys go you guys can feedback to me yo! and you guys have been wanting to club as a big group for so long... I swear you guys will have a great time.
Bring your friends k? love love.

UPDATE!!!

2008-06-30T12:18:00.002+08:00

er hello? lol
ok life has been fairly stale for me.. home tuition eat study comp dong bang sleep sometimes run... repeat routine times 500. *yawns* need to say more? lol chem tuition has been making me feel extremely underprepared and lost.. which stinks but also remind me that i need to hurry up and study. hence forth i'll be off after blogging...
well, I have taught myself to read the hangul well kinda anyways.. haha thanks to emily's alphabets and the internet... but i take 5 mins to read a word and I don't understand what I'm reading which defeats the purpose but o wells one step at a time. Thanks to bigeast station, I realise that i can still remember like some japanese and understand a bit though i have to like repeat 5 times to process... ah.. eventually I'll get there... so aside from my l337 reading skills, how 4b+ my 5+udy 5k1llz? (i lost 3/4 of my 1337 typing skills as well from the looks of it.. hmmm)

Let's see, I barely completed the first big chpt for bio (there are 9),5/19 chpt for chem, 5/18 chpt for math, and thanks to simon i covered/ read thru pretty much evertything for econs now left to actually memorize and attempt timed questions. 125 more days to go?? damn
so that said, I have to submit 2 econs questions and 1 gp essay to simon before wednesday. and do my chem homework and attempt to understand before saturday. cuz saturday i'll be out at kass' the whole day hopefully :D
Kass is coming back at midnight today!!!!
WELCOME HOME BABY!!!
I predict severe jetlag for the next few days!!!!(I know i suffer from terrible jetlag when i travel but some pple dun?? o wells) BUt not to worry at 1.20am every weekday, kbs world (chn 173) shows You're my destiny. Star goldenbell challenge is on every sunday 1t 12.40am. that is if you wanna watch tv though you probably caught everything online... haha but o wells for your reference. hehe. let's go kbox someday k? I'm dying.. the last time i went was with you and emi.. before pahang.. rah... cya soon in Sg babe :D can't wait.

The annual mid year outing with The Group

2008-06-20T18:44:00.002+08:00

Today's a good day. well minus the fact that i freaked out over ding not replying and all... LOL. Sorry sherman!
Had lunch with the group. I was late for a while, nic was late for 40 minutes( that's something new, he's usually an hour early LOL). Met up with nats and headed over to MOS burger. then ding the idiot finally called. lol.
After lunch, we went to check movie timings, but it was all too late for me.. sucks to go out with me....
so we headed to civic centre's mac cafe for more sitdown and talk nonsense sessions. We didn't do anything in particular actually just sat down and talked and amused people with our charades... LOL Don't sound particularly exciting but I really enjoyed myself. haha. we are such a bunch of weirdos. but seriously, i missed hanging out with them..
Damn! We need to meet more often than once every 6 months you guys!!!
With the group, there's no stress. plenty of goodnatured jibbing and ridiculous talks.. doing gundam *LOL*... It's a comfortable place to be in.. feels like home... feels nice to be one of the guys once in a while. :D haha
but at the same time, a small little fear came in... a little fear that all this might change one day.. and we would lose the connection.
yea I know i worry way too much... the group will still be the group no matter what. and for that I am thankful.
haha. just couldn't resist ending off on a emo note. :D

but all in all I had fun today!! and we should do this more often :D
when my A's are over, we should go pub hopping ok?? :D

2008-06-19T18:04:00.000+08:00

"Who's that?" She asked cheekily after stealing a glance at his phone.
He didn't say anything and just smiled.
" Your girlfriend?" she persisted, even though she already knew the answer.
"Yea"
"She's pretty." she said with a smile.
"Yea.. She is." he bowed his head and smiled sweetly at the picture on his phone.
Though the answer was expected, the expression was not.
His coyness caught her off-guard...
She had never seen him so.. so.. blissful before.
His joy and happiness was all too obvious though he was subtle about it.
She grinned widely as he looked at her face for her blessing.
She showed her approval and happiness for his joy, but on the inside, she was breaking apart.
It was not that she's not happy that he's happy...
but she was unfamiliar... unfamiliar with him.
She was so used to being at the side and comforting him after everytime he failed...
but he doesn't need her anymore. He succeeded this time... and that position is no longer needed.
It's like a wall that suddenly cut thier emotional bridge. an invisible wall...
She was dependent on him... but he never knew...
to him, she's like one of the boys, like brothers...
but to her, he was her emotional stronghold. He held her together whenever her life breaks into pieces... He was always there for her... and so was she for him.
In an odd sort of sense, she needed to be needed by him.
But he's no longer hers... He's someone else's now.
No more can she call him up in the middle of the night and rant.
No more can she spill her guts out and go to him whenever she needs to.
No more...
Because It would be wrong...
And so the wall went up...
And he didn't even notice.
Didn't notice the subtle distancing of her hand from his...
Didn't notice the abyss of sadness behind her eyes
Didn't notice anything as she gave him the final embrace.
She turned and walked away....

Alone once again.

hello happy bubble welcome back

2008-06-13T20:57:00.002+08:00

This week has been a good week for me yesyes... me and pet seems to be on the seesaw again w/o us realising it? Sorry friend! I'll cut our connection the next time ok? :D

Firstly, is of course that dream concert has finally finished, though I still haven't watched any videos yet (cuz the fan wars were turning me off) the influx of dong bang news made me happy :D and of course this old jaejoong forum that kass fount for me that are filled with jae's pervs (like me LOL XD). speaking of which i haven't even made it past page 8 of that forum yet.. too many photos *swoon* speaking of DBSK, Serena's going to stay off for a while and limit myself. LOL

Secondly, I passed my BT!!! YES!!! I know.. it's just BT which nobody should/can fail but I did... the first time anyways... LOl... then I booked my ft and driving lessons which will start on 28/7/08. :D but that means I have a hole in my bank acct. GRRRRR.... Serena's going to be a kiam siap queen for the next few months... or anti-social MIA hermit crab... which ever is cheaper. LOL

Thirdly, I met up with Angie and Jes yesterday for dinner :D we talked for around 4 hours non-stop and we still haven't finished covering what we wanted to.. grrr this is caused by almost a whole year of not meeting up. roar... but it was a good day.. Through them I realised that there are still good boys around. So girls, Let's not despair!!! He's out there somewhere! haha. After being around happy people who are happily in love despite thier problems helped patched my bubble together :D and I'm back to my original conclusion that about love and trust and strength and sex and everything else. :D

Of course, not to forget, i watched KFP last weekend with the rest :D it was a good day out yes yes :D

to my YFBs (yes I insist on calling all of us young fabulous and broke XD haha), we are far too emo for our own good yes yes? I realise all of us are. LOL. But it's ok, we will always be there for each other so we will be able to pull through :D Alicia told me last night that she hoped all of us will be happy when we grow older. I told her, i know we will be because we will always have each other. :D so yes friends let's be happy ok? let's build our happy bubble back together again :D LOVE LOVE

I am blessed...

2008-05-30T21:18:00.004+08:00

... to live in a country with no natural disasters
... to live in a country with social and political stability
... to live in a country which allows its citizens ample oppurtunities and freedom with responsibility
... to live in a multicultural society and be able to enjoy its diversity

... to have a home
... with a good family
... because my family is safe, in good health and is with me
... to have a supportive family
... to have minimal financial worries
... to be given the opportunity to be educated
... to be given the opportunity to travel

... with good health
... with so many true friends
... with my angels who always have my back no matter what.
... to know my best friends who made me into a better person
... to have friends who can make me happy no matter what
... to have friendship which have withstood the test of time, distance and circumstances

... to be have emotions
... to be able to feel
... to be able to laugh
... to be able to cry
... to be able to love
... to be able to do everything single thing that I've have done / am doing and will do

... with an extreme sense of empathy so that I can feel and realised that I am blessed

...because everyone whom I care about is safe...

have you counted your blessings today?

I have... and I thank everyone... and pray... and pray... that everybody else can be blessed too...
I think sometimes all of us forget how blessed all of us are... until we see someone who are not as blessed as we are... People in Si chuan, in Myanmar, in Africa,and so many so many more. I know these things are always happening in the world. I know that there's almost nothing much that we can do to stop this.. but I still feel... and I don't want to stop feeling. so that at least I know that I still have a heart and can realize how blessed I am...

so I thank all you guys... so many people throughout all my life... people who have brought me joy, tears, love, pain, laughter and sorrow... God for without Him there would be nothing, my family... my god-brothers, Angie, Jes, The group (you guys know who you are), My teachers, Kass, Alicia, Pet, Doug, Emily, Natalie, Audrey, Tim, Quan bin, Joel, Roy, Ian, Nathan, Pet tan,(we need to get a clique name haha) Anisha, Fiona, Lynette, Kahming, Hannah, Dylan etcetera etcetera...
from the bottom of my heart I thank you guys.
If I missed anybody out. I am sincerely sorry...

2008-05-30T10:26:00.000+08:00

Dong Bang Shin Ki is instant happy pill

random ramblings

2008-05-29T18:14:00.003+08:00

been bloghopping for a while... reading random stuff.. makes me realise..
I f**king hate growing up... I hate it. but I can't avoid it. so I just have to take it.
But then maybe I'm just being plain angsty because I look at some of my friends and I'm so proud of them and so happy for them. then I look at myself hiding in a denial hole. plain effing sad.
nvm.. shall leave my random angst alone now before it develops into something more.

Anyways, I finally got a bit of studying done this week. but it's really very little... shit... nvm
was studying with pet today. quite fun haha. studying with emi was fun too. been damn long since i last saw emi and nat.
Saw alex, hannah krystal at tuition on wed, hahaha.

Been obsessively fangirling over DBSK recently. especially with Kass. HAHA our fangirling cannot be bounded by continents and time differences. LOL. I <3 kim jaejoong load loads.. lol ok random fangirl comment. haha

<3<3

who is she really he seems to have lost her own battle with himself. After everything... she is still that very same person on that drawing block. still him... Was it that she didn't try hard enough? or was it that he never really put herself in front? never really used her heart and soul and everything was a pretense on a certain level. Is that why she cannot ever give? not to a hundred person without expecting something else. So many facades some of them aren't even properly sculpted. slipshod work.. gooey mess.. but at the end of it. who is he. which one of the funny masks that she adorn is him? or is there nothing but self centred sympathy? Did she even change? or is he bound and doomed from the start crippled by plain selfishness and plain fucking laziness. words... evokes emotions... truth is arbitary.... what is good what is bad what is right what is wrong? or maybe once again a self centred call for sympathy. Gone is the hardness that toughens him. gone is that ability to swallow everything and smile. gone... who is she who is he who am i who are them we dunno... really don't.

kk random LOL!

Doug's birthday celebration. .well sorta

2008-05-11T17:22:00.003+08:00

ok I jsut wrote a wall of text for kass' email and am damn drained now. so I shall kop contents from there and edit a bit here and there.
We celebrated doug's birthday yesterday. photos are with pet waiting for her to upload. I forgot to bring my camera again.
yesterday was pigging out day pls and my poor feet wanted to die. Doug was the only one who survived the walking cuz of his intense Army training.
Anyways, so me and pet met up and went to town at 11 to look for Doug's present cuz Me and aud still didn't really know what to get where as pet just needed to add on to her gift. ( In the end, Binni and I Shared cost for the book a Thousand splendid suns which binni went to buy later at borders and also this stuff toy thingy which Doug named Tralala. It's a black rice grain plushie with a super happy expression, joel and aud and pet tan kept insisting that it was phallic >.<) (Pet bought a cap plus polo tee for doug.)
Aud was supposed to meet us there but she only came at abt 12.18 cuz she waited for her dad to buy lunch back for her. So meanwhile me and pet shopped for doug's gift on our own and I did some shopping of my own too. I bought this loose brown top (must wear with another tank top inside one) and sunglasses.

Then after that Aud came and we continued the search for her gift to him. so in the end she bought a hat (which suits doug a lot btw). Then after that we walked to Somerset to meet Doug cuz me and Audrey wanted to go threading at midpont orchard. So while we were walking there Pet saw her eyecandy from church who is on his way with his friends to heeren. So she got all excited and while me and aud went for threading, she dragged Doug to go eyecandy hunting. but the irony was that she didn't spot him at heeren but me and Aud did after we went to find them after threading. The eyecandy walked out as me and aud walked in. So pet was all.. O man... rahrharhah. so we went to cineleisure in a halfhearted attempt to maybe find him again cuz me and aud were only vaguely sure of which direction he went.
At cine, we ran into emi and the twins (hannah and krystal) and cine has the bbq restaurant that DongBang endorses so they were playing non stop dong bang on the screen hahah. After fangirling (doug and aud was like?????), we went window shopping for doug's mom's mother's day gift at Cine. Then we went NYDC @ wheelock to eat and rest and wait for bins+Tim and Joel joined us there for a while. then joel left to cut hair and we went to zara to shop somemore. Then to topshop and back to zara again. then Joel came back after hair cut. Doug bought a zara bag for his mom in the end.

Then the boys suggessted tt we walked to Dhoby cuz since we cannot decide on where to eat and pub later might as well head to dhoby to eat first. more choices. So walking was obviously a super bad choice and decision cuz the girls were super tired. Pet was in heels, Aud was on her feet her whole day working the day before. PLUS the heat was terrible. the heat was my main irritant. so tempers were like flaring (more on the girls part).... but thankfully joel rocks and can calm pet and audrey down cuz he's so adorable. LOL.

So, we finally reached Dhoby. But everywhere was filled with people. so we ended up eating at bratsworth cuz got seats. LOL. pet tan joined us there. After everyone is well fed and rested, we proceeded to chijmes' Harry's bar. quite nice place plus the drinks are nice and basically just like sat there and talked as usual till 10.30 then we got up to leave. I think everyone was not in the mood to drink so we only had 2 drinks but we ate lots of fries and wedges and chicken wings there.
We talked about a lot of stupid stuff like shoot shag marry, ghosts and spirits and i dunno other stuff.. hahha then me and aud cam whored with pet's cam on the way back. so awfully tiring!!

kk wall of text ended.
hahha
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DOUG!!!
hoped you had some fun yesterday.

Happy mother's day guys. be nice to your moms today k? love love!

2008-05-07T01:54:00.003+08:00

http://forums.hardwarezone.com.sg/showthread.php?t=1949138

Guys, this is a forum thread about a dog with a hole in hte heart that needs our help. the dog is just a puppy almost 1 month old i think. the thread is a bit long. but please have patience and read through it. and see whether is there anyway we can help. The dogs are up for adoption as the lady is giving birth soon and they alr. have 2 dogs. (this one is a stray and have a healthy brother).

so ya... The threadstarter is quite credible la from like the rest of the entries that i see... so let's do our part?? and try to help a little wherever we can

**post edit note**
http://saveboyboy.blogspot.com/

this is a blog that the thread starter created. it have like all the updates and summary and stuff. so if cannot read the thread then this will do also ba.

Closure

2008-04-30T22:28:00.003+08:00

is such a funny thing. You seek it but you might not always get it all the time. especially in relationships... BUT when you least expect it, Fate comes slapping you about the face with things from your past bugging you to close the chapter. O the irony...

She found closure in knowing that she outgrew him. She found closure in being best friends. She found closure in knowing what a jerk he was. She found closure in talking things out. he found closure in avoidance. he found closure in another relationship. He found closure in having a proper breakup a year after the first. He He She She Me Me We We... same same but different. What do we seek and where do we end up? relentless pursuit bides exhaustion. never chasing bides depression and helplessness. what do we ultimately seek?

All the world's a stage and we are its players.

Jester's carnival

2008-04-29T20:55:00.002+08:00

WAS FANTASTIC!!!!! it tired me out tremendously but everything was good!!! kudos to saras and all the people who were there, particulary to the volunteers and arch and also Jin yao for whom i cannot be grateful enough to.
Those past few days were extremely tiring, but it reminded me again of why i loved Yec, my original spark. It makes you feel alive, like you have a sense of purpose. Heck even shopping alone for prizes didn't manage to kill my mood. Funnily enough, I love working til I wanna die, until I'm so tired that I cannot think and I whine and whine, rushing until my feet are falling off. i love it. I think I would be a workaholic if not for the fact that I'm so darn lazy. I thikn being around hardworking people inspires me. Like when ever I see people who are working harder than me not yet resting when I'm taking my break. I feel inspired to get up and work harder. If they can do it, why can't I? I'm not as tired as them, so how can I be taking a break? And the absolute euphoria after the event is over. The sheer tiredness makes you feel complete. My spark came back.
But then again.. i cannot ignore all the other cons which made me lose my spark. the people, the red tape, the fear and worry the constant worry over funding and contacts and the inability to make up for it. things that rip you up from within.
Henceforth, I conclude i'm not a very good leader but i'll make a really good assistant. It's a bit unambitious, but thinking about it, I don't have the determination and the decisiveness to lead people. I hate to be bound by obligations and the minute you use the obligation technique on me, I'll run and rebel. But I'm good at doing what others tell me to do and brainstorm from there becasue I dun wanna let people down. so ya... ahh wrapped up issues...

I 've been having guilt trips and panic attacks about not studying... shit, my alarm signals are in defensive mode and screaming run run you can't do it.... I'm a optimistic pessimist who is also a constant worrier.. shit shit. but rah. this week is my last week at work already. after which I have NO MORE EXCUSES to skive off again. *scared*
sigh..
ok ok, this are my updates for the past few weeks. O by the way, I repaired the links. so they are no longer faulty. if you guys want me to include your link just leave ur addy in my tag. then I'll add on.

<3,
Serena
p.s : counting down to July. KASS, when you come back you must leave at least 1 whole saturday free for us ok?? i don't care you must you must!

2008-04-18T21:30:00.000+08:00

EMO

nuff said

lalalala~

2008-04-10T19:24:00.002+08:00

I just finished my workout wahahah! Can you believe it? me? workout?? Do not be fooled ladies and gentlemen YES! I just ran/jogged 2.65 km without stopping, did a proper cool down and walked around 350m and came back home~~~ lalala! O I just got like appetite suppressants from the doctor in a bid to lose some weight hahaha. Let's see how long this will last too eh? LOL! Anyways, workout is good! puts you in a good mood!! hahaha. plus today is pay day! finally wahahahhah!!! so yes I ish very very happy today! lol.

p.s : KASS!!!!! I LUB YOU MUCHlY!!! WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK FROM COLD BOSTON TO HOT SINGAPORE????

Hello April

2008-04-02T21:18:00.004+08:00

This year is speeding past me... At first January crawled past so painfully slow, jammed packed with nostalgia. Then came February draining me with anxiety and worries. Alas came March speeding past with tears and fears and disapointment aplenty. And SUddenly April crept up upon me before I knew it. This is such a sneaky year haha. And even though it may still be too early to tell, I think 2008 has got to be the suckiest year ever despite fortune tellers saying that it's a good year for the snakes. It has ben quite bad for the first quarter so let's just hope things start to pick up. Sigh, soon May will come and I'll end work and then before you know it June will make an appearance and voila! Half the year is gone...

Anyways, just grabbing the thought off everybody's head. Is the weather weird or what?! Just a few weeks ago it rained hail in Singapore. Hail in sunny Singapore can you imagine?!! And everyday was pouring cats and dogs. And now? IT"S RIDICULOUSLY HOT! PLUS IT POURS AT THE ODDEST TIMINGS EVER!
I HATE IT!!!
It's so maddening... RAH! Soon It'll snow in Singapore and we'll all be doomed. DOOMED I TELL YA! *inserts mad rant* haha.

Today, Pet and I on our way home from work decided to write a series of blogposts on what to do if you think you're stuck in a horror movie. The first one should be up soon so keep your eyes peeled. :D
P.s: hopefully this made up for the previous lacklustre post :D

not dead

2008-03-25T21:42:00.003+08:00

hello.. it's been super long, anybody still hanging around here?
sigh.. I'm here to update despite having nth to update.. i mean everyone knows what they have to know anyway abt results and plans and fears and anger et cetera et cetera. Work's been the same as wel, but i really do like the place where i work in. Somehow.. I'm abit emo now... somehow... must be the blasted korean song playing in the background.. but it sounds like a happy song.. RAHRAH. stupid doramas that screw with your mind... arg... sighsighsigh. MAJOR SIGH! Uni application has been soso, can't sell myself for shit.
miss heading out with the group. with my cliques and all. went for threading last sat with aud. then went for swensons.. dinner and pub this sat yesyes?
rah....

2008-02-24T17:26:00.002+08:00

Serena toh thinks that she has a split personality. one part thinks that cool! so interesting... the other part is like *^*&%^&#%#%@%$#%^^%*&*. F**K. I'm going to end up killing myself eventually to shut myself up. plus pms does not help my mood.

Anti V'day dinner....

2008-02-15T20:48:00.003+08:00

... was FUN FUN FUN! I had dinner at Bali thai with petg aud sha and Mag. I missed sha!!! And I missed having all girls outing... bugger off boys~ We took photo in front of the fountain like some tourist, but the photos were pretty!!

After that me mag pet aud cabbed down to clarke quey to go to the gotham. Upon finding the gotham we headed up.
The receptionist (she was wearing a jacket which is half zipped and no bra*gasp**suah ku kid* and she's quite pretty:D) asked us whether if we are here for the show. then we were like what show? (being the innocent suah ku kid as I am, I totally had no idea what she was talking about as in seriously.)

She:O.. cuz normally when people come, they ask whether like whether like we've got shows on you know. so I was just asking.
Us: IcIc. so.. is there a show tonight??
She: no...the african americans left last week.
the rest of us: WHAT?! strippers?????
Audrey: Damn!

hahahhah. but we went down to the bridge to stone for a while cuz the place wasn't open yet. we bought roses from 2 very sad guys whom pet almost punched. because he asks laughingly why we so sad got no dates. after which we said tt he's even sadder cuz he's making a loss selling roses and w/o a date on v'day plus the fact tt he's gg to end up with 200over rotting roses in his house. :D which he agreed.
then after that we headed back up to gotham. It's a rnb pub/club. and they have table tops which you can cimb on to. and they have a lounge area for consumers buying bottled drinks which is damn comfy. We had a couple of drinks, took a lot of weird photos and headed home.
yours truly was rather stoned on the train and had to puke the alcohol out (thank goodness for plastic bags.) but see here's the prob. all of us only had 2 drinks and given our clique's std of drinking should be barely enuff to get us high. but we were all a bit zoned out me esp. even pet was a bit zonked and she's the one who handles her alc. better than most guys. So we decided that that's not right and decided to analyse why we were so spaced out.

here's a compiled list of why:

1)the alc. content that they mix there was higher than normal clubs and pubs
2)We had thai food before drinking and very little oily food
3)We didn't really move, we basically just sat there and drink.
4)i wasn't feeling well and was on medication

tadah~~ after we headed home i just wanted to slp, but i had to stay up for prayers. I haven't slept properly since the day befre the CNY. rahrah. TGIF so i can slp in tml morn.
o wells all in all gotham is a place i'll def. go back.and last nite was funfunfun!!!

hope you guys had a good v'day!

ps i think my alc. rejection mite be coming back again.

Daily rambles with myself

2008-02-10T23:27:00.000+08:00

Me: Why can't i be happy being a fatty huh? Why do I have to go through all these trouble of detox,etc etc?

Politically correct Me : Because being fat is not healthy. It will lead to fatigue and stress. Also you will suffer (diseases etc) as you grow older. This is for your own good.

Inner Me: Wrong! It's because I'm a shallow biatch who thinks looks matters and wanna fit into clothes without having to stretch them or having to ask the sales lady for the biggest size and try that on, only to find that i cannot fit. Cuz I'm a sad, lonely, ANGSTY and fat biatch. RAH!

Me: I'm officially mad. I'm having an argument with myself. WTH?

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!

2008-02-07T22:22:00.000+08:00

Read above!!!!!! hahahha. long weekend! awfully tiring only slept at 4 plus 5 last night. super sleepy..... :D love enjoy the long weekend people. may you get lots of ang pao yesyes?

To my first friend in CJ... Kassandra

2008-01-06T21:33:00.000+08:00

hello friend,
you were my first ever friend in CJ, when i met you, you were known to me as the girl with super loads of ccas. then became the scary flexible girl to the girl that will kick my ass with her gym equipments, to one of my bestest friends in CJ. 2 years seem to fly by just like that, so many memories, so little time. You were always there for me when i freaked out about sub papers and thought i could never make it, you listened and helped me through it. when I was in a breakdown, fighting a war with myself, I would have never made it without any of you guys. You guys made me accept who i am and be happy about it for that i can never thank you enough. I remembered the times when we used to call each other and chat into wee hours abt random stuff like super junior, banjun dramas, DBSK, farenheit, songs, movies, your sister leaving, everything. heck even about ugly funiture haha. My friend, thank you for being everything that you are. Even though we have points that we don't agree on and I don't take your advice as often as I should, It's alright. What's a friendship without some conflict here and there, and ultimately we will always be there for each other. Even though you will be flying off to boston soon and I won't see you for god knows how long, I'll still be right here. Just an email away (overseas calls are way too expensive). You'll always have a special place in my heart. because you are the one and only Kassandra Tan, the girl who draes to love and hate and sticks by her principles and is always there for her friends when they fall even though you have already warned us. My dearest friend, this is only goodbye for now. Time will pass by sooner than expected. I wish you all the best in Boston. And don't worry I'll camwhore evenmore and send you photos of our lives in boring sg til you are sick of it. and i expect you to do the same.

with much love,
Serena

I still can't believe...

2008-01-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

that I'm working! hahah i think i said that a gazillion times today haha. working admin at CLUB 21! haha. cool man. It's okay la, but need to be sensitive to figures(which i'm not) so must be super careful. stupid p/o refuses to tally. today still trying to figure things out so things are moving slowly, need to pickup pace man.but t's cool plus, pet's working with me too :D plus pt! haha. and near imm, which has almost nth... and nnot to mention the ice palace is torturing us everytime we see it. haha. but all's good for now. :D