ever since... i was 18 i think... I stopped.... I stopped having thoughts of commiting suicide.. i stopped having thoughts of actively seeking out deaths.. I stopped having vivid imagery of my own blood bath or blood dreams.... I was content to live a day as it is never actively seeking death... but.. somewhere along the line... I think I forgot how to live as well...

I'm going to take some time today to talk about commitment phobes....

eff everyone that says it will be easy if you meet the right one. srsly. everytime i have to fight every single inch of my body not to push and run away screaming in another direction and i have to take a deep breath to calm down and tell myself that yes this is okay.. it's okay for me to have this.. to do this... and after maybe 5-15 mins then my body relaxes and accepts it... some days, i'm ok.. i speak about the future, i speak about us.. other days i'm not.. i evade and dodge and phrase things in a subtlely non-commital way that I know is not so subtle... I won't deny that I see us in the future... but at the same time I dun see anything more than what is now as there is something blocking the way... sighs

listening to emo songs is making me tap into unnecessary emotions... and it's making me realise i dun want the 10 years to end... not now... 10 years...
so to keep 10 years, i must continue fighting with myself.... to not let overthinking kill me... or what we have...
so we are doing things a little differently... so our focus now is highly differently from others.. so we are different.. so what?
i will fight to make you my priority... for those who say that it shld come naturally well eff tt... if it doesn't come naturally, i will put in twice the effort to make sure it happpens. My life was packed before.. and even more so now.. and the thing is, of all them are priorities... my school, my family, AFT, uni friends jc friends and now something new... i refuse to give up either one of them and I know that You have never requested me to do that but I feel like I have been rescheduling you to fit others... and you shldn't just be an option to me. You have never asked anything of me.. it's always been what i want.. whether I wanna meet you, whether I wanna eat here, whether I want you to pick me up.... and all the things, all the small things u have asked me to do, I haven't been able to do so. It should be balanced. even if you dun mind, even if you laugh at me for being silly...
I really have night dumbness... I tell you everything. things that shld be said, even worse, I tell you things that shouldn't be said... I can't play games with you. i will only lose myself in it... always have been the case... can there be a limit for being too honest?

one week, 24 days and 10years... such arbitrary numbers with so much meanings.... I guess my last year's new year resolution kinda came true?? so shocking.... so unexpected yet it had been a long time coming.. a mass of contradictions but yet so right at the same time...
and yes i shld stop thinking because... well logic can never solve this shit and pointing out logical fallacies is non-applicable here. I know for sure I won't be able to tear away.. not now... so I shld just stick with it. If it makes me happy, if it fills my void.. if it stops the late night screamings.... then it must be good right? surely it must be.

moilheiv yes for now i do

tick tock tick tock tick tock. a bit outta my laegue, a bit heartless but i rather it be pure FOB than a real thing.... No emotions involved = no heartbreak= no pain

He's the boy your mom warned you against. The bad boy type. The one who smokes and drinks and drives like a maniac. He fights and he curses and he loves with a passion. The stereotypical type. And I may be the one to actually break his heart..... but i will die if i do so...

Undeniable attraction
love, lust or affection?
a dance, a kiss, a friendly little frisk
a perfect recipe for disaster indeed

if nice is part of your persona... so much so that it can be said you are defined by it... what can you do? keep being nice to stay "true" to urself? to stick to your definition? otherwise.... will you just be a big question mark?

what do you become if u are not who people think you are or even who you think you are.

being nice is like a cover? a way to avoid conflict. avoid conflict=highest motto in life? so that pple can like me? so i wun be isolated? so... will be nice = fake? or real me? fucking popularity contest?

you said in a way being nice defines you. and it makes you happy. so you continue to be nice.

i guess we are similar that way... cept my nice is marred by fear...
I pride myself on my real? and being diplomatic enough.... i'm not social butterfly material. i'm well aware of that. but if you take away everything.... what am I?....

identity crisis? do I have to be defined by someone else? or are humans never meant to be defined at all? lest it traps them in a circle and limits them?

happy to see other people happy? or happy because whn others are happy they dun hate you?



wow.... thank you sec 3 life. you really fucked me up real good.....